NOTHING 2 READ

Hi Ladies,
   It's me again. These tough times seem to get my creative juices flowing. This song came to me in the middle of the night last night, and I scribbled it down in my little black book this morning in church. Really. Don't laugh. I need all the help I can get. Anyway, nothings really improved in SweetPeaLand, but I'm feeling a little better about life though you wouldn't know it from this song. Anyway here goes. Please get in touch with me if you'd like to record it country stars.

NOTHING 2 READ

Nothing to read
Nothing to eat
No one to call
No where to go
Don't have a friend
And there's nothing to read.

Everything's fine
And everything's fine
And everything's fine
And everything's wrong.

Everything's mine
And everything's mine
And everything's mine
And everything's gone.

Something is missing
Something is wrong
Nothing is right
Not even this song
Something I'm doin' ain't working out right.
Days are so short and my life's filled with night
Can't find a prayer
I can't kneel down and plead
But my life is a mess  and there's nothing to read.

Okay Ladies. Let's get this song published. I was thinking it might be fun to have heat this winter.
Yours,
SweetPea





 
 

THE FURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

I am a Plush Lush! A furry, fluffy pile of plushy love! I am part of a happy little subculture that is a peace and fun loving group that is held in very low esteem by the non-Plushophile world! Well, I'm going to change all that by standing up for all my furry friends, the last, most discriminated group in America. And why? We don't hurt anyone. We just like to go fursuiting with our friends in our zoot suits. We love plush and toons and gentle forest creatures. In the words of my BFF "we snuggle and huggle and tuggle our buggles!"And there's not a darn thing wrong with that. So I have decided to start an organization called The Fursuit of Happiness, dedicated to the proposition that Plushophiles are entitled to full rights and respect. I'm not sure what my next step is, but today's the day I'm standing up for me and mine. I'll be back in touch soon.
Meeko Prince
The Glade In the Forest

ERAD-I-CAT!

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. I LOVE BUNNIES AND CHILDREN AND OPRAH, ESPECIALLY BUNNIES. I JUST HATE CATS. JUST WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? I'VE BEEN WORKING ON A CAT REMOVAL SYSTEM CALLED ERAD-I-CAT! I'VE GOT A LOT OF IDEAS FOR SIMPLE EASY PAINLESS CAT REMOVAL LIKE THE COMBUST-I-CAT AND THE DE-CAT-ALIZER AND THE CAT-O-VAC. THERE'S PLENTY MORE AND ALSO DETAILS IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO INVEST IN MY IDEA. WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE??? NOTHING LIKE BUNNIES.
LOVE AND BUNNEEZ,
ROGER SMITH JONES
WHEELING W VA

SHARYN SEZ: I hope you're kidding or maybe just temporarily insane, Roger. You would love my Miss Felicity. I love Oprah too!

MARTI COHEN HAS NO IDEAS!

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM MARTI COHEN TO THE WORLD!!!
I, Marti Cohen, do not have a single good original idea. For my whole life I have been pretending to be the kind of person that my mother wanted me to be--the kind of person who is constantly coming up with good ideas and straight As and a perfect marriage and happy children and a clean house and all that horseshit. Well, I want to tell the whole world, including my mother, that I am NOT that kind of person. Every single good idea I ever had was stolen or a bad idea pretending to be a good idea. It was all a lie and a fake and that person is dead and gone. Meet the new Marti Cohen. No more lies. No more fake good ideas. I don't need good ideas to maintain my self esteem anymore. I like me...no ideas and all. Marti Cohen is a beautiful human being whether she brings anything to the party or not.
Thank you,
Marti Cohen

No Guns No Hate No Violence!

I been thinking about nonviolent robberies where someone who just want to make a robbery but do not want to hurt nobody or take a rap for armed robbery could maybe carry a big ugly scary pet snake like a boa convector and get cashiers who are women to turn over all the money without no violence at all. As best as I can know there is no law that says no body can carry around his pet snake so this could really work good.

Shabazz Africa
Holmesburg State Penitentiary

QUIT YOUR MYSTERIOUS WAYS!

Hey Ladies,
   It's me, SweetPea, checking in from my messed up life in the Big Easy, which ain't so fuckin' easy these days. Still no big break for your gal but I'm bartending at the Apple Barrel and singing on some open mike nights around town. I do believe the suffering is improving my songs. Here's a new one I wrote last week at the end of a really swell day.


MYSTERIOUS WAYS

I'm outta cash
My job is gone
And worry fuels my days.
My kids are wild
My husband cheats
Christ, quit your mysterious ways.

I don't get dressed
I'm way too stressed
And my Ma would kill me if I confessed
I drink a quart of gin most days
My life's a mess
Off track I guess
Please quit your mysterious ways.

I'm a church goin' gal
Been all my life
Wanna be a good woman and mother and wife,
But the way the Lord's movin' fills my heart with strife
Your mysterious ways
Are ruinin' my life.

So I'm kneelin' down Lord
Got the focus on You
When I party I parties
When I pray I prays
My life's in a whirl
Down the toilet it swirls
Please stop movin' my life
With Mysterious Ways!

That's all I got today.
Love and Money,
SweetPea
NOLA       
   
        

DEAR CARMELLA,

TO THE ATTENTION OF THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THE KINDS OF BOOKS AND RADIO PROGRAMS AND TELEVISION SHOWS THAT HELP PEOPLE TO MAKE HAPPIER LIVES FOR THEMSELVES WITH GOD'S HELP!
Dear Sir,
   My name is Carmella Pagliacetti. I am a 66 year old widow, a devoted Mother, a good Catholic and 11 times a Grandmother. All my life since I am a little girl I am able to solve people's problems. "Carmella, what should I do?" "Carmella, what's wrong with me?" Carmella, this. Carmella, that. And always the Holy Spirit whispers in my ear what to say. "Aunt Rosa, beg Uncle ChooChoo for forgiveness, make a big fish dinner and make the First Fridays for the rest of your life." "Sal, you gotta stop thinking about that dirty whore with immoral thoughts. Go to Mr. Gentilli and beg his forgiveness and ask for Little Theresa's hand in Holy Matrimony." "Lena, you will never get yourself a husband if you don't stop stuffing your mouth like a pig. Beg the Blessed Mother for forgiveness for your gluttony and fast like Our Lord Jesus did in the desert."
   Always my advice works. Ask anybody in South Philly in St. Monica's parish. So what I'm thinking is, the Jews have that Dr. Laura and the protestants have big mouth Dr. Phil, but who have the Catholics, especially the Italian Catholics have?
   I am writing this letter because the Holy Spirit whispered in my ear that I should, and I am the handmaiden of the Holy Spirit. I would like to steer the sinning masses away from near occasions of sin and lead them to Christ. Please print this letter exactly as He made me write it. Thank you.
Mrs. Carmella Pagliacetti
PS The photo was taken on the occasion of my senior prom in 1953 at St, Maria Goretti High School. I went with my dead husband Al. I look much the same.

IDEA #1

Dear VERY SPECial PeRsOn,
   This is it. (Take that Michael Jackson!) Right now. My first idea written down in my blood for you. THAT IS A VICIOUS LIE! It is NOT my blood, but blood is blood is blood...blood...am I spelling that right? BLOOD. It looks funny, but I don't have a dictionary anymore. Once I ate the first 73 pages of Little Women and now I can't read in bed anymore. But be it BLUD or BLOOD or Bloudor Plasmicide the sentiment remains the same. INTENSE. VERY VERY INTENSE.
IDEA # 1
   My first idea is for a soap opera all about one person. Let's call him Walter. Walter is a very interesting guy from a very small town who suffers from multiple personality complex. An extreme complex. Thirty-seven personalities all living and loving, laughing and crying, fucking and killing inside Walter. The thirty-seven personalities are Claude Father alcoholic minister and husband of ex-stripper Patricia Barker parents of JoJo bedwetting dog lover married to Nina Mango Barker the fat pig and Tommy Barker their millionaire singer son and he's got a girlfriend named Flavor who's having an affair with her brother Bud who works for Mr. Jonestown a scary monster who sells hot dogs to the three good school kids Luke Poppy and Little Tiny and their teacher is Miss Teacher who lives next door to the terrible child molester Lieutenant Adolph who always sneaks around because his twin sister Saint Catherine publicly humiliates him by sexing up the town's mayor Mr. Rightson who hates the Barkers because they ran over his best friend Old Black Tom who cleans the office of Dick Richard the worm livered decaying Chief of Policew whose wife Lulu won't stop buying pineapples from the Korean grocer DucTapeLo and his wife ChinUpHi and their cousin Serena and her invisible friend Ward Warrior who pretends she is a cat and sleeps in the window of Curby Kirby who would like to kill Sid Como who wishes he weren't an Italian Jew who has to support his eight deaf dumb retarded paraplegic children Frankie, Joey, Soupy, Dino, Jerry, Petey, Shirley and Angie. They are not really retarded. They just PRETEND TO BE.
   There is a lot more to this story than I can tell tonight. I am running out of RED INK. (CODE)
   Since all of these characters have to be played by one actor it really keeps the audience on their toes and it also keeps production costs really low. BOFFO!
   This is only #1 of THOUSANDS.  GOOD GOD!!!

William "Bill Bostitch
Haverford State Casa de Crackers

PUPPY POOPER

Hey there Idea Ladies,
   You know my little baby doll told me about this here magazine and at first I got a real good chuckle at her and sat down to watch the tube and have a little snackeroo like I always do even though the old bod is growing a couple of them there love handles that you read about guys getting if you know what I mean...but I'm getting away from my main point that I got to say so I sat down with my ice cream and some of them pretzels that are dipped in chocolate that I like so much and started to watch Dancing With the Stars. Don't those dancers just about kill you and all but I couldn't pay attention because I'm thinking about what my honey doll told me and you know before I'm even done my ice cream I had to find my pen and some letter paper and write you about this idea I been thinking over for about 10 years or more cause the missus and me got a couple of poodles that are real cute as far as dogs go if you know what I mean but don't tell my baby doll I said that cause she loves those little pups like they was her own kids if you know what I mean. But I'm always thinking that having dogs would be a whole lot easier if you didn't always have to be walking them in the weather if you catch my meaning. So how come you couldn't invent a doggie toilet that would be like a ground level kind of bowl with a drain kind of build that would turn on by the weight of a number 1 or a number 2 and you'd get an automatic flush? If you can train them to roll over and play dead and all you could train them to go on the doggie toilet maybe with little treats or something. You know what I'm saying? This could be a really good deal I'm thinking. So at least I got it off my chest so I can go back to the tube and finish my treat.
Good Luck To You,
George Whooley
Evanston Illinois

TO MY MYSTERY GIRLS

To My Mystery Girls,
   This is Vic, your Pussycat Queen. I hope you are feeling delicious. I know I am. I'm staying in BelAir and I really wish we could get together. You can come anytime and hang out. I'm residing at the home of a recognizable celebrity, and she says you can come anytime (you wish!) I bet you would get along with her really great. She needs some new ideas. Okay. Here's my this week idea. I think you should be able to get a flu shot or a vitamin shot from the mailman...or how about the liquor store? My friend really wants to meet you. She doesn't believe in exercise. Some guy comes and changes her blood. IMAGINE! She really wants to meet you. I should be moving to Paris soon. I might be working with Roman  Polanski and Johnny Depp. Real talent. I'll let you know where I am staying. Keep sending my subscription to Nueva York. Dido will forward it to me wherevere I am. Do something special for yourselves today.
Always interested in you,
Your friend,
Vic DeBussey

SINGLES SYNERGY SYSTEM

   SH*T! I can hardly believe that I'm doing this again, but I started to think, and I got another great idea. Okay. Is there anything worse than when you go to a singles bar or a club and you've got to ask a thousand assholes, "What's your name? What do you do? What do you drive? What do you make? Are you worth my time?" and a thousand other stupid questions. It makes my eyes roll, and sometimes I yawn and daydream about binge drinking. But I have to do it and so does everybody else who wants to hook up with someone semi-interesting and acceptable. What if everybody's answers were available online and clubs had computer stations where you could check out prospective hook-ups without actually having to make eye contact or speak. (I guess some kind of ID is necessary.) This would save me and everybody a whole lot of time and be less boring and embarrassing--for losers especially. I think it would be great.
Angie McLaughlin
PS I also think it would be very cool if you didn't have to wear the same shoe on both feet. I'd like the option to buy singles.
PPS That guy who wants to meet me sounds like a real downer, but I'd be willing to read his answers to the previously mentioned questions. Without making eye contact. I doubt he'd make the grade, but...I'm a very open minded girl.

MONEY MAGIC!

HEY GALS,
ITS MAMA KITTY KAT MANDIEU COMIN' BACK AT YA! YOU KNOW ME--I'M THE SEER WITH THE BEER. HA! THE TIPSY GYPSY. HA! HA! MAMA'S HAD A FEW, BUT SHE WANTED TO SEND SOMEOTHER WORKIN' MAGIC TO MY GALS AND THEIR FOLLOWERS.
EVERYBODYS BROKE. EVERYBODY NEEDS HELP. MAMA TO THE RESCUE.
FIRST, IF YOU CAN'T SELL YOUR HOUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY, TRY THIS. GET A LITTLE STATUE OF ST. JOSEPH, STEP DADDY TO THE LITTLE BABY JESUS. SAY A PRAYER TO ST. JOE, THEN BURY HIM UPSIDE DOWN IN YOUR FRONT YARD FACING THE HOUSE. (THAT'S IMPORTANT.) WALK AROUND THE SPOT THREE TIMES EVERY DAY AND SAY, "PLEASE SAINT JOE, MAKE THIS HOUSE GO." THAT'S ALL. HOUSE SOLD SOON. REMEMBER TO DIG UP THE LITTLE SAINT AND GIVE HIM A PLACE OF HONOR IN YOUR NEW HOUSE.
MAMA KITTY KAT PRAYS TO ALL THE GODS AND GODDESSES AND ANGELS AND SAINTS. THIS IS A PRAYER TO THE BEAUTIFUL GODDESS LAKSHMI WHO IS THE HINDU GODDESS OF PROSPERITY AND ABUNDANCE. SHE IS SPARKLY PRETTY WITH JEWELS AND ELEPHANTS. JUST LAST WEEK SHE THREW A GOLD COIN AT MY HEAD FROM THE HEAVENS. I SWEAR TO YOU IT IS TRUE. HERE'S A LITTLE CHANT TO THE LOVELY LAKSHMI THAT WILL FATTEN YOUR WALLET.
INDRA UVACHA
NAMASAYE SARVA LOKANAM
JANANIM ABJA SAMBHAVAM
SHRIYAM UNIDRA PADMAKSIM
VISHNOR VAKSHAH STHALA SHTITAM.
ALSO EAT BLACK EYED PEAS AND THINK OF THE TASTE OF MONEY.
ALSO GIVE SOME MONEY TO EVERYONE WHO ASKS...COULD BE AN ANGEL IN DISGUISE.
ALSO GIVE THANKS FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU DON'T HAVE THAT YOU DON'T WANT.

MAMA LOVES YOU,
MAMA KITTY KAT MANDIEU

HEAD SMACKING SONIC OSCILLATOR

Dear Idea Family,
Try this on for size. Introducing the Head Smacking Sonic Oscillator, a remote control device that lets me (or you) administer a sharp slap to the forehead of anyone you deem needs one. Those who ignore the rules of common courtesy--what hope for a being who doesn't comprehend the notion of alternate merge? Hideous and unforgivable fashion faux pas. Litterers. The rude, the loud, the insistent. A little reminder for the criminally annoying. And the HSSO is completely remote control so the recipient never knows who they've offended and there is no chance of ugly retribution. It is safe and easy to operate once you get the hang of it. Send for details if you agree that "To Each His Own" is a misguided sentiment.

Watch Your Step,
Toby Black
Boston MA

PS I would like to correspond with Angie McLaughlin. She seems to be my kind of woman.
How can I arrange this?

SHARYN SEZ, HI TOBY AND WELCOME TO THE FAMILY! ANGIE IS A HOOT--SHE JUST SENT ME SOME MORE GREAT IDEAS THAT I'LL POST SOON. LOTS OF IDEA LADIES FANS WOULD LIKE TO CONNECT. WE'LL HAVE TO WORK ON A SAFE AND FUN WAY TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

SUREAL CEREAL

I HAVE A BRAND NEW UNIQUE MOST FABULOUS IDEA FOR AN ADULT BREAKFAST CEREAL...

SUREAL!!!! THE BREAKFAST OF PSYCHOPATHS AND POST MODERNISTS! SO CRUNCHY YOU'LL BE DAZED AND CONFUSED.

PS I HAVE THE RECIPE.

JERE

WAKE THE FUCK UP!

Dear IdeoLady,
You know what makes me crazy? All these egghead types getting paid a ton for there dumb ideos. I work for an architextual company, but I'm not an engineer unless you count the sanatational type. Well I got a ton of good ideas and if I went to college I'd probably be working for a Nasa think tank or Washington dc there. Heres a couple of my good ideas. They just happen to be both of them alarm clocks.

Tilt-A-Bed Alarm
This bed tilts slowly from a regular horizontal position to a stand up vertical position. It will take about 20 minutes and stand up for 1 hour.

The Hit-And-Run Accident Alarm
This ones a little more action packed for the really hard to wake up. The headboard looks like a 1965 Buick Special. Black. The poor sucker sleeping there will wake up to screeching brakes headlights horn honking glass breaking. You get the picture. Wake up Sunshine. To stop it you gotta get up and stay up for 30 minutes. Pretty good huh?

If someone wants to buy these ideas they can reach me at

William DeGroot
Baltimore MD

JAILHOUSE TATTOO QUEEN

To Who It Concerns
I never knew how many fucked up looney birds were out there until I seen your paper. One good thing it makes me glad I'm locked up. You good law abiding A-holes are crazier than anybody in here. Here is Munsey Correctional Center. The Hen House. I hear you wondering what I did so I'll tell you not that its any of your business. I fed my husband poison egg nog on Christmas Eve 1988. You like that? He was my second husband. The first one died suddenly on July 4 1980. We had an explosion. Your so smart you figure it out.
When I checked in here in 1990 I shared a crib with some crazy fucking old bull dike name of Cheek who did jailhouse tattoos. You need a needle and thread. I make my own die. So then Cheek choked to death on one of her own needles, Easter Sunday 1994, after she taught me everything she knew. I carried on the torch and today I am the greatest skin artist in any prison anywhere. My mark is on almost every bird who come through this joint for the last 15 years.
Lately I've been experimenting with floresent dies that I make myself and I also have invented a scratch and sniff tat. Right now I'm working on art with invisible ink. I make the ink myself. And anniversary tattoos for anybody with an anniversary worth remembering. I'd like to do a book of my designs. I also think there is a good movie in my life. If anyone wants me to work on them tell them to get locked up in Delaware County. No cry babies.

Dead serious,
Babe Broderick
Munsey CC

MY LIFE'S AN OPEN BOOK

FRIENDS,
Painful though it may be, think about the aftermath of your death. Stories about the highlights of your life--or perhaps just the low lights. Your earthly goods are fought over and distributed--or discarded! Your family talks about you occasionally, but the stories are getting muddled. You become a dead person. Your progeny tries to remember your first name. Oblivion.
Of course, not everyone has this problem. Not Michael Jackson or Frank Sinatra or Marilyn Monroe. Not anyone who is important enough to have a biographer. Their life stories are preserved forever. Bound.
Why not your life story? Your biography. Hundreds of pages. With photos. Bound in fine engraved Corinthian leather. An eternal gift for the loved ones, admirers and frenemies you leave behind.
A respected, published biographer (Misunderstood--The Bob Crane Story, Anna Nicole Smith--The Once and Future Blond and Jerry Lee Lewis--Dead or Alive?) will write your story. The finished volume will be printed and bound by The Ye Olde Connecticut Library Press. The ultimate last gift to your loved ones. Or the next to the last. Great memento for retirement affairs or 80th birthday parties. For only six monthly payments of $109.99. For more details write today so we can write tomorrow.
Biographically Yours,

Ye Olde Connecticut Library
Post Office Box 703
Pierre, South Dakota

Cincinnati Dish Rag!

ATTENTION READERS!
Make way for The Cincinnati Dish Rag! The Rag is your forum for publicly registering complaints that may not warrant legal action but nevertheless make your ass burn. I'm talking about the little things in life that make you want to kill somebody with your bare teeth. Like the incredible vanishing waitress at the Fill Your Belly Deli who is younger than you and calls you "Hon" when she brings your side of mayo with dessert. Or the landlord who crazy glues your locks shut just because you call L & I on him. How about art openings? Or artists? Or art? Or the elderly but decidedly dangerous guy next door who doesn't speak English and keeps his kitchen dinette set in the empty parking space outside of your house so you can't park there and he doesn't even own a car?? Anything that makes you crazy. Moron sales clerks. Rip-off dry cleaners. For a measly $3 we'll give you satisfaction. In The Dish Rag you can tell the whole world about your bad experience at the DMV and get some fudge off your chest, embarrass a local hotshot or maybe even ruin a business!
I'm ready to begin publishing in your city. Think how much fun you'll have screwing the people that screw you every day. Tell on them. Strike Back!!!

Revenge is Yours,
F.U. Booth
Cincinnati OH

MFF/CCC

SJM, up-mo, sharp, super intelligent, divorced father of 2 great kids has come up with kid care money maker of the century--The Magnetic Free Floating Child Care Centers! Busy Mom or Dad drops kidz off at MFF/CCC where padded magnetic belt/ harness is attached to kid by trained attendant who then lifts kid about 2 feet off the ground and attaches it to metal wall where other kidz are already hanging and having a blast. Home model could also be dynamite seller! I'm excited. If you're excited too and would like to get in on this before it's too late contact me today. We could "Hang Out!"

Marc Samson

GENIUSES AMALGAMATED

To Big Thinkers Everywhere!
There are ideas, and, then THERE ARE IDEAS!!!
WOULD YOU LIKE TO OWN A PART OF THE FUTURES OF THE FUTURE? Welcome to Amalgamated Geniuses where you can share in the cumulative lifetime earnings of America's best and brightest.
GENIUS FUTURES NOW AVAILABLE AT AMALGAMATED GENIUSES!
We at AG represent the creme de la creme of tomorrow's big shot successes today. Today's smart kids will rule the world tomorrow and you can buy a piece of them today.
For a small investment you can own part of their American dream and that's the American way! That's right! A lifetime percentage of their total earnings tomorrow for a small investment today.
Amalgamated Geniuses is still in start-up mode, but if this sounds like a...GENIUS IDEA to you please write to me, Marty Litwak, President and CEO of AMALGAMATED GENIUSES!

Tomorrow and Beyond,
Marty Litwak
President and CEO
AMALGAMATED GENIUSES

PRO HEM BINDING CHOICE!

Dear Sirs,
I believe that hem/seam binding is much too flimsy and should be available in wider widths. This is my idea.

Humbley yours,
Jeannette Lempley
Canton Ohio

SHARYN SEZ: Haven't you thought the same exact thing about a million times? Jeannette honey, I think you've got a winner. For super emergency repairs surgical tape will hold up a droopy hem for hours. Once on the way to Mother Bach's house for Christmas dinner I discovered that little Heidi's kilt hem had come undone. Well naturally I panicked. I was ready to turn around and forget the whole thing when I remembered the stapler in my make-up bag. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. I stapled that sucker all the way around, and don't you know it worked like a charm.

ADORABLE (PICKANINNY) MARSHMALLOW TREATS

Hello again Caryn and Sharyn!
Thanks for printing my recipe ideas for children and adults of all ages. Here is a new one. It came to me complete in a dream.

PICKANINNY MARSHMALLOW TREATS
1.Take one big marshmallow.
2.To make hair take 8 mini-marshmallows and spear each with a colorful toothpick then stick the toothpicks into the big marshmallow. Cute pigtails! (See my drawing.)
3.Add Cheerio eyes and gumdrop nose.
4.Add red licorice whip mouth. I attach these with confectioner sugar paste.
5. Enjoy the smiles of your family and friends.

Thanks again, Idea Ladies. I will continue to share my fun and delicious recipe treats.

Dot Fritchie
Glen Burnie Illinois

SHARYN SEZ: Dottie, I love your recipes, but I gotta tell you I think you should rename this one. The Idea Ladies don't edit unless your idea is illegal or a terrorist bomb recipe, but this one gives me pause. Clueless doesn't equal blameless as I always tell my kids. Nuff said!

I'm Gonna Watch You Die!

Happy Flag Day Ladies,
Here's a new composition for one of the bad boys of Country Music. It's called "I'm Gonna Watch You Die".

She looked at me and smiled
With a tear drop in her eye
And whispered lovin' in my ear
I'm gonna watch you die.

As I stand before the man in black
I realize there's no turnin' back
I've traded my immortal soul
He says it's life without parole
I've gone and ruined my happy life
She's my little life sentence
She's my wife.

She looked at me and smiled
With a tear drop in her eye
And whispered lovin' in my ear
I'm gonna watch you die.

I don't know how it all began
Some really short shorts
And a really great tan
A couple of shots then we rocked my van
And I was a happy man.

Then breakfast came and she smiled so sweet
And she cooked so good
And she laughed so low
And she moved so fine
Swept me off my feet and onto my knee
Asking for her hand in matrimony
I swear to God
She hypnotized me.

She's my little life sentence
And I'll love her till I die
Damn I really didn't plan it
But it's her by my side.

Now she looks at me
With a smile in her eye
And whispers naughty in my ear
I'm gonna watch you die.

Thanks ladies,
Sweet Pea
NOLA

TUPPERWARE COFFINS!

TO WHOMEVER IT CONCERNS:
WHAT ABOUT COFFINS FROM TUPPERWARE? CHEAP. DURABLE. AIRTIGHT--IF YOU BURP IT CORRECTLY. THIS I THINK IS A GREAT BREAKTHROUGH AND WHO WOULD KNOW BETTER THAN ME? A MEMBER OF THE GOLD KEY SALES HALL OF FAME IN TUPPERWARE FOR 24 YEARS. TUPPERWARE FOR ORGAN BANKS--MY IDEA. THE COLD CUT STORAGE BIN WOULD BE PERFECT FOR THE BRAIN I TOLD THEM AND SO THEY BECAME MY CUSTOMER. ALWAYS NEW IDEAS. MY BRAIN NEVER STOPS. TUPPERWARE. EVERYWHERE. COFFINS.

LENI BORSKI
LANSDOWNE PA

1-2-3-4-CLOSURE!!!!

Hi Caryn and Sharyn,
I just got back from the St. Dismas Craft Show, Caryn was chairwoman and IT WAS GREAT!!! We raised over $300 for the Holy Mercy Hospital Thrift Store and I had a ball. I'm one of the St. Dismas crafters and I sell greeting cards that I print on recycled paper bags and wrapping paper. Caryn said I should share my new line of Bad Times cards with your readers. I sent a picture of a good one. It says,
"Greetings! Between Hard Times and the Darned Depression Ain't got nothing left but this Pleasant Expression!" Another one that sold real well said, "Depressed? Your hair looks a mess and you're still in your jammies, Are you feeling depressed? Have you got the whammies?" and "1-2-3-4 Closure? Don't let it get you down. Tomorrow this will all be over and things will turn around!"
I just think these little greeting cards will help us all get through this vale of tears. If you're ever in Bluford you can buy these at the Hospital Thrift Store or feel free to make your own for your friends. And hey Hallmark, if you're reading this, I got a million more!

Have a happy day,
Vickie Mellatoniakis
Bluford PA!

I PUT A SPELL ON YOU!

Hey there Idea Gals,

I am Big Mama Kittycat Mandieu and I see a great idea coming at you--from me! I have The Gift. The Sixth Sense. The Third Eye. The sight, the touch, the sense. The Hocus Pocus Focus. I have known about my powerful gift since I was a little tiny baby girl at my Mama's breast. I could call up the sweet milk at will and I did. But always for good, not malice for no one. So anyways time goes by my gift gets big. I study with the Voudous and the Wiccans and the gypsies and the wise old women and I learn a heap about spells and magic and the world beyond. Plus I am a great cook and a good looking curvy woman. So anyways I am writing a book--part cookbook part magic spell book. Big picture of me on the front. I can practically make them buy the book. Sure thing. So anyways I am going to start sending you a few basic free spells so's you can see how good they work. Like good publicity for my book. All spells must be cast with a good heart, not malice for no one.

CHILL OUT DARLIN
When someone is getting on your last nerve and you feel the explosion coming write the name of the person on a piece of paper, lick it all over good and stick it to the wall of your freezer. Just think Chill out Darlin and shut the door. The chill will start very soon. Good for everyone.

More soon,
Big Mama Kittycat Mandieu

PIGEON BABIES?

Misses Givens,

This is not an idea unless a theory is an idea. It's more like a question. Why are there no pigeon babies? There's a lot of pigeons in my Philadelphia neighborhood, but I've never seen a baby pigeon. I have a few theories.

1.There are no baby pigeons because the juvenile pigeon has yet to develop wings and still maintains remnants of an umbilicus often mistaken for a tail. Many uninformed citizens call these baby pigeons "rats".
2.There are no baby pigeons because the French persist in eating squab.
3.All pigeons are baby pigeons. Luckily their extremely short life span prevents them from achieving full adult growth, approximately the size of a fat cat.
4. There are no baby pigeons because of strict avian adherence to birth control measures.
5.There are no baby pigeons because even pigeons can't stomach the thought of mating with anything as vile and disgusting as a pigeon.

I don't know. But there are no baby pigeons. I would be quite interested in other theories.

Edward Hillberg

GOOD RIDDANCE! BAD TRASH!

Hey Ladies,

My name is Pearl Elizabeth Ashloyd and I live in New Orleans at present. Everybody calls me SweetPea and everybody always has. I write country songs. Damned good ones I think. Everyday songs. Good drinkable vin ordinaire. Songs that strike a chord. Thus far I have not been discovered. Instead of rich and famous I am poor and barely visible but I am no ways given up. It's just a matter of time. I thought I'd send you ladies a song now and then. Who knows? Here's one that I wrote for Gretchen Wilson.

THE GOOD RID DANCE

Gave my heart to a loser for the very last time
Three strikes and I'm through with romance.
Now I'm out with my girls drinking Cuervo and lime,
And we're doing The Good Rid Dance.

Good riddance to Bad Trash!

We're a little bit high and we're laughing real loud
And we're thinkin' we'll move to France
Cause the trash that we trusted and married and kissed
Are getting The Good Rid Dance.

Good riddance to Bad Trash!

Put your hand on your hip and stick out your lip
Take two steps forward with a digital flip
Turn your back on the one that you adored
And march your ass right out the door.

Good Riddance to bad trash!

So I'm back to square one but I'm not undone
For you know I'll be takin' a chance (again)
But tonight I'm mad and drunk and sad
And I'm doing The Good Rid Dance.

RUG DRUG!

Dear Sir,
My idea is to invent a way to change the color of your wall-to-wall carpeting by just turning on a button or something or maybe sprinkling it with a powder of some kind. Not like spray paint. More like a chemical miracle.
In this way people could change the color of their carpeting very easy and they could change it more often than they could afford new carpeting.
Sincerely Yours,
Mrs. Joseph H. Connor
Utica New York

SHARYN SEZ: Our family room is carpeted in a fantasy patchwork quilt pattern that I created with hundreds of multi-colored carpet sample squares that I found in the dumpster behind Faye's CarpetWorld at the Mall. Fabulous and free!

PHUTURE PHONES!

PEOPLE,

I have some random good ideas for phone service that would seriously help a lot of people.
#1 THE AMBIANCE SCRAMBLER
This feature can change the background noises behind you. Like if you are supposed to be out bowling with your girlfriends but you are really out cruising with a guy, the AMBIANCE SCRAMBLER will fake the sounds of bowling alley noise over the phone so your mom or whoever will be totally clueless when you call to say you're gonna be late.
#2 THE AMBIANCE ERASER
This one totally wipes out background noise so if you're in a bar watching a hockey game or something and you've gotta call your mom or whoever you can wipe out loud bar noise. Then you could use the scramble feature to give the sound of girls talking and watching American Idol or whatever. How could she have a problem with that?
#3 THE VOICE DISGUISER
This feature would probably cost the most, but you could totally disguise your voice to sound like anyone in your contact list. Like last week I got in trouble cause I bleached my girlfriend Cheryl's hair. It looked really good, but her mom freaked and called my mom and we both got killed. If I had the voice disguiser then I would have pretended that I was my mom and only Cheryl would have got killed.

I believe these phone feature ideas would also be a big hit with adults who don't want husbands/ wives/ bosses/ friends or parents to know where they are when they are out. When you're out, you're out. Period.

Thanks,

Tanya Nagy

CARYN SEZ: Yakketty Yak, I must talk back. STOP LYING TO YOUR MOTHER OR YOU'LL BURN IN HELL! But seriously, what are you doing in a bar?

ALOHA, GIRLFRIENDS!

Aloha, Girlfriends!!

You've been wondering about me, haven't you? New York being what it is anything could happen to a poor girl all alone and on the streets and all that. Even though we've never met I feel like you deux are my best friends so I don't mind telling you that this life is killing me...but what a way to go! Jesus wept!

I got thrown out of my apartment due to a silly misunderstanding with my landlord so take note of my new address and please send me a copy of Issue #42 which got damaged in the fire. I'm dancing in a bookstore and I'm going to be starring in a film.

So I couldn't sleep the other day. I'm so insomniac! So I'm thinking about Margaret Rutherford and I'm thinking I do not want to be a hunchback. So I get to thinking why not put a shitload of calcium in the glue on envelopes and cure that nasty osteoporosis epidemic? Maybe I'd pay my bills if I thought there was some nutritional value in it. Et vous aussi?

Ta Ta for now. Do you think if I came out your way I could crash at your place for a couple of days? I'm no trouble. Let me know.

Love and sticky kisses,
The Unforgettable
Vic DeBussey

ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

Kind Editors,

My insignificant idea can be truly appreciated only by those who have suffered the lifelong social deprivation that is the agony of the only child. My true brothers and sisters.
My father was a traveling salesman given more to travel than to sales. Mother was a delicate creature with nerves like bone porcelain. I was the only spawn of their union, a scrawny, nervous child much given to hiding in the cedar chest. It was there in moth free splendour that I first concocted a vision of my proposed idea--the Automatic Jump Rope Turner.
Imagine...jump rope for all children,not just those with two friends. Even now I can remember the many hours I spent crouched in the chest dreaming of what my sorry life would be like with this wonderful contraption. Why I'd have learned all the chants and all the tricks and become a regular jump rope marvel. How different things might have been. Sometimes I still climb in my sweet smelling childhood retreat and dream about it.
Thank you for allowing me to share my dream. I stayed up most of last night trying to sketch my invention, but it was flawed...flawed. I could not send it for publication. Perhaps sometime in the future. I adore your publication.

Very Truly Yours,
Miss Deirdre Fennerty
Charleston, North Carolina

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!

LADIES:

MY IDEA IS TO INVENT A BOX ATTACHED TO YOUR TV SET THAT WOULD ADMINISTER A LITTLE ELECTRICAL SHOCK TO PEOPLE ON TV SHOWS LIKE FOR ME REGIS PHILBIN BARBARA WALTERS AND KATIE COURIC. FOR MY WIFE BRETT MICHAELS THE NEW YORK HOUSEWIVES AND OPRAH'S FRIEND GAIL. YOU PICK. A LITTLE SHOCK. NOT PAINFUL BUT NOT GOOD EITHER.

GEORGE PERROTT
LINCOLN NEBRASKA

SHARYN SEZ: George, just tell me where to send the check! I'd also like to have one for the dashboard of my car that I could point to certain other drivers on the road who should not be allowed on the streets. I'd also like to regulate the shock from barely there to steam cleaned brains. Oh, I wish! Good idea!

The American Living Room Pageant

Dear Editors,

Everybody loves Reality Shows and Beauty Pageants, right? Wouldn't you just love to see The American Living Room Pageant? It would be the ultimate decorating contest for Joe and Josephine Six Pack. Furniture, drapes, plants, knick knacks, carpeting, shelf
display, crafts--everything that makes a living room special would be judged by the viewing audience of America. And these would be REAL living rooms with REAL families who would also participate by maybe coordinating their clothes to the living rooms or sharing entertaining and seasonal decorating tips. Everybody would love this show! I have enclosed a photo of my pride and joy and I would like to be the host or a contestant.

Forever Yours,

Mrs. Harlene Rayback

BED ON THE TRACKS

This bed is made for someone who lives in a large place and is very lazy or morbidly obese or has movement limitations. The bed is on a track and the tracks lead to all the important places in the house. In the back of the bed is a crank that when cranked propels the bed along the track paths. It could also be jet or electricity or fuel propelled but that makes it much more complicated.

Thank you,
Maurice Hasselbach
Monongheheala PA

HICCUPS AND HELP!

For the Idea Guys,
The reason, and I apologize that this is written on a cocktail napkin, is because I'm sitting in a bar and I have hiccups. First of all I wish somebody would write in with a way to lose the fucking hiccups. Thus far I've tried eating a teaspoon of sugar with bitters, drinking a beer upside down, holding my breath, jumping up and down and sticking 8 goddamned napkins in my mouth and 2 up my nostrils. Unfortunately nothing scares me but not getting rid of the God fucking hiccups.
So anyway my name is Frank Geiger, and I'm just your regular neurotic functioning alcoholic who doesn't have inoperable ass cancer or some big fucking deal to go ape shit over, but hey, everybody's got something to bitch about. Right? And I think it's good for the soul to get your shit off your chest. I always liked the idea of going to a shrink and paying the guy to unload on him. Only problem is who can afford $100 or $200 bucks an hour for a good dump? Not me. Not most guys. So my idea is for a fast food approach to psychiatry. A drive thru quick service shrink. Pull up to the window, spill your guts for a minute or 2, get a little advice and take off. Maybe it costs $5 or $10 bucks. With high volume that could add up. Before you know it's 8 million shrunk. I also think there should be cigarettes for sale. This sounds to me like a good idea, but what the fuck do I know? I can't even get rid of the goddamned hiccups.

Cheers,
Frank Geiger
Dayton OH

SHARYN SEZ:
Frank, it's letters like yours that make me question our policy of printing letters as they are written! You might want to try washing your mouth out with soap as a cure for those hicoughs of yours. I'll never understand why intelligent people such as yourself can't make better use of the Queen's English. Call me old fashioned but there must be some good reason why William Shakespeare and James Michener never had to resort to the "F" word to make a point. I don't mean to nag cause I love your idea--you just happened to hit on one of my pet peeves. Think about what I said. (By the way, Mother always said that the best way to rid yourself of the hicoughs was to imagine yourself in your own coffin. Hope that works for you!

WELCOME BILL (CAPT. G)!!!!

Dear Very Special Person
I just finished reading my first copy of your Newsletter FROM COVER TO COVER. It must be very nearly morning because lights out was a very long time ago but I read crouched over on the floor by the night light and every word made a loud EXPLOSION in my brain. This is brilliant like a fire like the perfect balance of a million angels on my head. NEVER BEFORE HAVE I FELT SO FREE OR SO CLOSE TO ANYONE. YOU ARE TRULY A VISIONARY MAGNETICALLY DRAWING A TRIBE OF PROPHETS TO YOUR SIDES. Prophets of Ideas PROFITS OF IDEAS Prophets of PROFITS PRO FITS The sparks I can SEE the sparks and my hands are shakinginginging. My brain is being crushed by millions of ideas Where do I start??? THE NEW COLORS Powervision INTERNAL EYEGLASSES The Electric Shock Running Shoes Ideas are all I have but what else is there? THE LIARS SIREN Hearing Aids that DON"T WORK!!! Mystery Gloves CITIES OF PAIN I am going to catalogue them get them all in order so I don't hurt myself. I've got a lot to say. For now send me two subscriptions right away and every issue that I've missed. Send one subscription to me and one to Captain Gus D'Antonio so they don't get suspicious. My ideas will begin flowing to your beloved publication immediately. I love you so!!!

Mr. William Bostitch
Haverford State Mental Hospital

SHARON SEZ: Hi there Bill and welcome to the Idea Ladies family. As all my friends and neighbors and co-workers know I make no bones about my own little psychorama episode in my teens that ended up with me winning an all-expense paid vacation at La Farm de Fun! Anybody can crack up (I prefer that to break down!) if they have to deal with too much stress. My visit to La Casa de Crackers came right after my own sweet Mercy was born right before the Prom, and, oh well, that's water under the bridge, but it's not easy to go to your Prom with an infant instead of a date! Just saying I understand, my friend! Keep on writing!

WAX POETIC!!!

Dear Viewers!
There is so much ear wax in the world! Well I have a great solution to this problem. First go to your local CVS and pick up a waxy spoon (tm). Then go home and get a bowl. After you get that all set up then take the spoon out of the very confusing package. Then one scoop by one scoop import the ear wax from your ear into the bowl. This may take several episodes. You should have a generous amount in your bowl. Then you should take it and roll it into an inch thick layer of wax. When you're done you should take some string and put it into the center of your sheet. Then roll it all up evenly. Now you should pull all of the lumps out of the outside of your candle. You never know...they might be a bug, a hair or even some dried catsup. Roll it up lengthily. Now you can sell your candle on Ebay. You have had manyaccomplishments. 1. You cleaned your filthy ears. 2. You helped the godforsaken economy by spending some money. 3. You've learned how to use Ebay. 4. You've made money off of ear wax. All in all I'd say you've won. I will send in other ideas on what to do with ear wax.

Only to serve,

Inkie Frobisher
None of your business

FART FREE UNDERWEAR BY RIPCO

THESE TECHNILOGICLY ADVANCED UNDIES DESIGNED WITH A PRESSURE SENSITIVE CIRCUITERY IN THE SOFT POLYESTER PILE WHICH WHEN TRIGGERED BY ANY DEGREE OF FLATULANCE A PLEASANT SCENT IS EMMITTED INTO THE FOREMENTIONED VICINITY ENGULFING ANY CAPRILIC ODORS BEFORE THEY WOULD LEAVE YOUR PANTS. WHAT A PLEASURE TO KNOW YOU CAN FART IN PEACE. COMES IN A VARIETY OF FRAGRANCES COUNTRY FLOWER, MUSKY LEMON, PINE FOREST FLOOR. A SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH BY RIPCO.

MECHANICAL DOG PURSE

Dear Girls,

I have been mugged 3 times in 5 years in my South Philly neighborhood. I am a retired widow of 16 years living on a fixed income. I don't have much and I have noticed that the kids who are mugging are wearing better clothes than the poor people they attack. I have an idea for a thief proof pocketbook. It is a way to hide your valuables on the street from the dirty criminals. My idea is a mean robot dog that runs on batteries and opens up into a regular pocketbook. You walk it on a leash so it doesn't matter how heavy it is. And it attacks when you say so. I would invest the little money I have set aside if this idea could happen. Thank you.

Domenica Salvatore
St. Monica's Parish
Philadelphia

DISGUSTING DOORKNOBS!

To Whom It May Concern:

I don't like touching doorknobs. I believe the doorknob could be the single greatest transmitter of contagious disease. The thought of the countless dirty, fecal ridden, calloused, festering sores--I get nauseous just thinking of it. And don't many others feel the same? I don't trust those anti-bacterial things. How do I know they work? So I have taken to wearing multiple rubber gloves on my hands. After every doorknob encounter I remove and discard one. In between doorknobs I cover my protective system with white cotton gloves so as not to attract unwanted attention. Quite satisfactory. I decided to share my system as a random act of kindness.

Yours,
Martin Hausmann

BAG PACK

Dear IDEAS,
I have arthuritis very bad in my hands and I have an idea that would help me out quite a lot. When I go to the market I can only buy a little at a time because the heavy bags hurt my hands. I am not old or weak I just can't carry a heavy load anymore. I think they could make grocery bags with extra straps so I could carry it on my back like one of those back packs. I tried to draw a picture so you could see what I mean. Good for carrying 3 bags. Thank you for letting me share this idea. I hope somebody in the bag business is listening.

Sincerely,
A. Terra

WORMS CRAWL AT NIGHT

Night crawlers are a lot smarter than people think. I cannot spit out the details here but if you know what I'm talking about and you know who you are and if you want to get rich and all by next summer without spending anything but a little bit of money and time then I am your man.

Peabo Flint
Lake Veasey Maine


SHARYN SEZ:
My husband Stan (Bach) is a fisherman's fisherman. I swear that man would rather stand in a cold muddy stream before dawn than make love to his wife. Now that's a real fisherman for you. We always keep one shelf in our fridge for Stan's live bait. I use coffee cans for the eggshell and manure enriched soil that's the final home to Stan's crawlers. Best be careful making coffee in my house!

PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHTER

Listen. The only reason I'm writing this stupid letter is because I'm really pissed off. Today I almost killed some stupid kid because I was trying to light my cigarette with an asshole car lighter. And this wasn't the first time!!! Tell me this. How are you supposed to get a cigarette out of the pack and put it in your mouth and push in your lighter and stick the end into the little red hole without using both eyes??? And then your supposed to drive too. Its completely insane. So my idea which is pretty damn obvious if you ask me is to build an electronic cigarette lighter in the dashboard that you put your pack of smokes into when your driving and when you want one it lights automatically when you pull one from the pack. Its so simple that even I can't believe somebody hasn't thought of it. I don't even want anything for the stupid idea. Just somebody do it and make a million fucking dollars. I just don't want to kill somebody. (This guy Scott drew the weird cigarette drawing.)

Angie McLaughlin
Philadelphia PA

PS. Here's another free idea. You know what is really stupid? Nurses and doctors wearing light uniforms. If they wore black uniforms you wouldn't always be getting grossed out by the blood and shit that gets all over them. I just had to say that.

Happy Face Hamburger Patties

Hello Again Karyn and Sharyn,

Thanks for printing my recipe ideas for children and adults of all ages. Here is a new one.

HAPPY FACE HAMBURGER PATTIES

Cook a nice big burger pattie. I cook mine with an ice cube in the center to keep them moist!
Add 2 pickle chip eyes. I like bread and butter. Dot the pickle chips with mustard so Pattie is looking straight ahead.
Draw a ketchup nose round like a happy clown.
Your never fully dressed without a smile. Make Pattie's with half an onion ring.

My family loves these cause they add a little sunshine to your life. Don't forget to thank the Lord every day for the good meat and pickles and fresh onions.

Next time I'll be sending Pickaninny Marshmallow Treats. Bless you.

Dot Fritchie
Glen Burnie, Illinois

SWEETY ON A LEASH

GENTLEMEN,

I made a leash for my pet canary. Her name is Sweety and that is because she is a sweetheart. The collar is a velcro strip that fits snugly over her downy little neck and the leash is a length of pretty yellow ribbon that I can change according to her moods or seasonal holidays. You could use regular twine or perhaps something knitted or crocheted. One note--not too heavy. Challenging but not daunting.

We get a lot of positive feedback. We enjoy the attention.

Ira and Sweety
Pleasantville New Jersey

ALOHA! IDEA FEMMES!

Aloha, Idea Femmes! I've got to introduce myself. I am a dancer. I live in Manhattan. Sometimes I act in films. I am Vic DeBussy.

I feel like I already know you. This is so weird. I picked up your paper or whatever it is in the Port Authority last night after work at the Squirrel's Tale. You have to come and see me sometime--my routine is too many things. You must be thinking what is this guy talking about but I want to know more about you. I wish that phone would stop ringing. I'm thinking that there might be a beer in the fridge or maybe some Dulce de Leche. I'm stretching a pair of Size 11 thigh high boots--OUCH! Let me get a cigarette...I just had an idea.

Your papier is too fabulous for color TV. I can't believe what a scream it is. It's way too many things. You two are really on a mish! By the way what do you really look like? I know you are not those two Grandmeres I'm seeing. I have too many ideas. You'll be hearing from me soon, but I'll probably be moving next week so I'll get back in touch after Le Move. I might move to the country or out your way. IDK a damn thang. I'm doing a fashion show tomorrow night I wish you could come. I have some ideas I want to discuss with you. Good ideas.

Love and Money,

Vic DeBussy

PARTY TOPPERS

Dear Idea Gals!

A rug is a rug is a rug, but a Party Topper is a fabulous toupee. Why wear the same old veal cutlet day in and day out if you don't have to? Picture this if you will. I can manufacture a stylish and durable toupee of quality lambswool, ultra suede, ostrich feathers, 24 karat gold thread, chinchilla--you name it--whatever suits your personality or your fancy. Don't be ordinary! Be extra-ordinary in one of my fabulous Mr. Syd's Party Toppers and stand out at your next affair in stylish comfort. I can be reached through the Dayton Chamber of Commerce or Phone Book.

Mr.Sydney Golden
Dayton OHIO

COOLING BLANKET

To the Givens Sisters,

Thus far I only have one idea, and it probably would already exist if it was feasible but here goes. It's for a cooling blanket, the opposite of an electric heating blanket, for hot summer nights. That sounds really stupid, doesn't it? I'll try to come up with something better.

Respectfully,
Kit Callahan
Pensacola FLA



CARYN SEZ: Kit honey, just because it sounds stupid to you doesn't mean it is stupid! Remember The Pet Rock! Keep on thinkin'!

Q-W-E-R-T-Y

Q-W-E-R-T-Y
QW-QW-QW-ER-TY?????%^&!!!
QW-EERR-TY%%%$$$
TYPEWRITER MUSIC........
YOU CAN'T READ ITTTTTTTTTT
YOU'VE GOT TO HEARRRRRR ITTTTTT.//

Listen you wild idea seekers,

I've already written hundreds of works and songs for manual and electric.

CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKZZZZZSHOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Agents, publishers, recording companies, avant garde musicians, music and art lovers--take a walk on the wild side. I'll be on YouTube soon. Find me.

Anna Connapuna
Elmira New York