HICCUPS AND HELP!

For the Idea Guys,
The reason, and I apologize that this is written on a cocktail napkin, is because I'm sitting in a bar and I have hiccups. First of all I wish somebody would write in with a way to lose the fucking hiccups. Thus far I've tried eating a teaspoon of sugar with bitters, drinking a beer upside down, holding my breath, jumping up and down and sticking 8 goddamned napkins in my mouth and 2 up my nostrils. Unfortunately nothing scares me but not getting rid of the God fucking hiccups.
So anyway my name is Frank Geiger, and I'm just your regular neurotic functioning alcoholic who doesn't have inoperable ass cancer or some big fucking deal to go ape shit over, but hey, everybody's got something to bitch about. Right? And I think it's good for the soul to get your shit off your chest. I always liked the idea of going to a shrink and paying the guy to unload on him. Only problem is who can afford $100 or $200 bucks an hour for a good dump? Not me. Not most guys. So my idea is for a fast food approach to psychiatry. A drive thru quick service shrink. Pull up to the window, spill your guts for a minute or 2, get a little advice and take off. Maybe it costs $5 or $10 bucks. With high volume that could add up. Before you know it's 8 million shrunk. I also think there should be cigarettes for sale. This sounds to me like a good idea, but what the fuck do I know? I can't even get rid of the goddamned hiccups.

Cheers,
Frank Geiger
Dayton OH

SHARYN SEZ:
Frank, it's letters like yours that make me question our policy of printing letters as they are written! You might want to try washing your mouth out with soap as a cure for those hicoughs of yours. I'll never understand why intelligent people such as yourself can't make better use of the Queen's English. Call me old fashioned but there must be some good reason why William Shakespeare and James Michener never had to resort to the "F" word to make a point. I don't mean to nag cause I love your idea--you just happened to hit on one of my pet peeves. Think about what I said. (By the way, Mother always said that the best way to rid yourself of the hicoughs was to imagine yourself in your own coffin. Hope that works for you!