GOOD RIDDANCE! BAD TRASH!

Hey Ladies,

My name is Pearl Elizabeth Ashloyd and I live in New Orleans at present. Everybody calls me SweetPea and everybody always has. I write country songs. Damned good ones I think. Everyday songs. Good drinkable vin ordinaire. Songs that strike a chord. Thus far I have not been discovered. Instead of rich and famous I am poor and barely visible but I am no ways given up. It's just a matter of time. I thought I'd send you ladies a song now and then. Who knows? Here's one that I wrote for Gretchen Wilson.

THE GOOD RID DANCE

Gave my heart to a loser for the very last time
Three strikes and I'm through with romance.
Now I'm out with my girls drinking Cuervo and lime,
And we're doing The Good Rid Dance.

Good riddance to Bad Trash!

We're a little bit high and we're laughing real loud
And we're thinkin' we'll move to France
Cause the trash that we trusted and married and kissed
Are getting The Good Rid Dance.

Good riddance to Bad Trash!

Put your hand on your hip and stick out your lip
Take two steps forward with a digital flip
Turn your back on the one that you adored
And march your ass right out the door.

Good Riddance to bad trash!

So I'm back to square one but I'm not undone
For you know I'll be takin' a chance (again)
But tonight I'm mad and drunk and sad
And I'm doing The Good Rid Dance.

RUG DRUG!

Dear Sir,
My idea is to invent a way to change the color of your wall-to-wall carpeting by just turning on a button or something or maybe sprinkling it with a powder of some kind. Not like spray paint. More like a chemical miracle.
In this way people could change the color of their carpeting very easy and they could change it more often than they could afford new carpeting.
Sincerely Yours,
Mrs. Joseph H. Connor
Utica New York

SHARYN SEZ: Our family room is carpeted in a fantasy patchwork quilt pattern that I created with hundreds of multi-colored carpet sample squares that I found in the dumpster behind Faye's CarpetWorld at the Mall. Fabulous and free!

PHUTURE PHONES!

PEOPLE,

I have some random good ideas for phone service that would seriously help a lot of people.
#1 THE AMBIANCE SCRAMBLER
This feature can change the background noises behind you. Like if you are supposed to be out bowling with your girlfriends but you are really out cruising with a guy, the AMBIANCE SCRAMBLER will fake the sounds of bowling alley noise over the phone so your mom or whoever will be totally clueless when you call to say you're gonna be late.
#2 THE AMBIANCE ERASER
This one totally wipes out background noise so if you're in a bar watching a hockey game or something and you've gotta call your mom or whoever you can wipe out loud bar noise. Then you could use the scramble feature to give the sound of girls talking and watching American Idol or whatever. How could she have a problem with that?
#3 THE VOICE DISGUISER
This feature would probably cost the most, but you could totally disguise your voice to sound like anyone in your contact list. Like last week I got in trouble cause I bleached my girlfriend Cheryl's hair. It looked really good, but her mom freaked and called my mom and we both got killed. If I had the voice disguiser then I would have pretended that I was my mom and only Cheryl would have got killed.

I believe these phone feature ideas would also be a big hit with adults who don't want husbands/ wives/ bosses/ friends or parents to know where they are when they are out. When you're out, you're out. Period.

Thanks,

Tanya Nagy

CARYN SEZ: Yakketty Yak, I must talk back. STOP LYING TO YOUR MOTHER OR YOU'LL BURN IN HELL! But seriously, what are you doing in a bar?

ALOHA, GIRLFRIENDS!

Aloha, Girlfriends!!

You've been wondering about me, haven't you? New York being what it is anything could happen to a poor girl all alone and on the streets and all that. Even though we've never met I feel like you deux are my best friends so I don't mind telling you that this life is killing me...but what a way to go! Jesus wept!

I got thrown out of my apartment due to a silly misunderstanding with my landlord so take note of my new address and please send me a copy of Issue #42 which got damaged in the fire. I'm dancing in a bookstore and I'm going to be starring in a film.

So I couldn't sleep the other day. I'm so insomniac! So I'm thinking about Margaret Rutherford and I'm thinking I do not want to be a hunchback. So I get to thinking why not put a shitload of calcium in the glue on envelopes and cure that nasty osteoporosis epidemic? Maybe I'd pay my bills if I thought there was some nutritional value in it. Et vous aussi?

Ta Ta for now. Do you think if I came out your way I could crash at your place for a couple of days? I'm no trouble. Let me know.

Love and sticky kisses,
The Unforgettable
Vic DeBussey

ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

Kind Editors,

My insignificant idea can be truly appreciated only by those who have suffered the lifelong social deprivation that is the agony of the only child. My true brothers and sisters.
My father was a traveling salesman given more to travel than to sales. Mother was a delicate creature with nerves like bone porcelain. I was the only spawn of their union, a scrawny, nervous child much given to hiding in the cedar chest. It was there in moth free splendour that I first concocted a vision of my proposed idea--the Automatic Jump Rope Turner.
Imagine...jump rope for all children,not just those with two friends. Even now I can remember the many hours I spent crouched in the chest dreaming of what my sorry life would be like with this wonderful contraption. Why I'd have learned all the chants and all the tricks and become a regular jump rope marvel. How different things might have been. Sometimes I still climb in my sweet smelling childhood retreat and dream about it.
Thank you for allowing me to share my dream. I stayed up most of last night trying to sketch my invention, but it was flawed...flawed. I could not send it for publication. Perhaps sometime in the future. I adore your publication.

Very Truly Yours,
Miss Deirdre Fennerty
Charleston, North Carolina

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!

LADIES:

MY IDEA IS TO INVENT A BOX ATTACHED TO YOUR TV SET THAT WOULD ADMINISTER A LITTLE ELECTRICAL SHOCK TO PEOPLE ON TV SHOWS LIKE FOR ME REGIS PHILBIN BARBARA WALTERS AND KATIE COURIC. FOR MY WIFE BRETT MICHAELS THE NEW YORK HOUSEWIVES AND OPRAH'S FRIEND GAIL. YOU PICK. A LITTLE SHOCK. NOT PAINFUL BUT NOT GOOD EITHER.

GEORGE PERROTT
LINCOLN NEBRASKA

SHARYN SEZ: George, just tell me where to send the check! I'd also like to have one for the dashboard of my car that I could point to certain other drivers on the road who should not be allowed on the streets. I'd also like to regulate the shock from barely there to steam cleaned brains. Oh, I wish! Good idea!

The American Living Room Pageant

Dear Editors,

Everybody loves Reality Shows and Beauty Pageants, right? Wouldn't you just love to see The American Living Room Pageant? It would be the ultimate decorating contest for Joe and Josephine Six Pack. Furniture, drapes, plants, knick knacks, carpeting, shelf
display, crafts--everything that makes a living room special would be judged by the viewing audience of America. And these would be REAL living rooms with REAL families who would also participate by maybe coordinating their clothes to the living rooms or sharing entertaining and seasonal decorating tips. Everybody would love this show! I have enclosed a photo of my pride and joy and I would like to be the host or a contestant.

Forever Yours,

Mrs. Harlene Rayback

BED ON THE TRACKS

This bed is made for someone who lives in a large place and is very lazy or morbidly obese or has movement limitations. The bed is on a track and the tracks lead to all the important places in the house. In the back of the bed is a crank that when cranked propels the bed along the track paths. It could also be jet or electricity or fuel propelled but that makes it much more complicated.

Thank you,
Maurice Hasselbach
Monongheheala PA

HICCUPS AND HELP!

For the Idea Guys,
The reason, and I apologize that this is written on a cocktail napkin, is because I'm sitting in a bar and I have hiccups. First of all I wish somebody would write in with a way to lose the fucking hiccups. Thus far I've tried eating a teaspoon of sugar with bitters, drinking a beer upside down, holding my breath, jumping up and down and sticking 8 goddamned napkins in my mouth and 2 up my nostrils. Unfortunately nothing scares me but not getting rid of the God fucking hiccups.
So anyway my name is Frank Geiger, and I'm just your regular neurotic functioning alcoholic who doesn't have inoperable ass cancer or some big fucking deal to go ape shit over, but hey, everybody's got something to bitch about. Right? And I think it's good for the soul to get your shit off your chest. I always liked the idea of going to a shrink and paying the guy to unload on him. Only problem is who can afford $100 or $200 bucks an hour for a good dump? Not me. Not most guys. So my idea is for a fast food approach to psychiatry. A drive thru quick service shrink. Pull up to the window, spill your guts for a minute or 2, get a little advice and take off. Maybe it costs $5 or $10 bucks. With high volume that could add up. Before you know it's 8 million shrunk. I also think there should be cigarettes for sale. This sounds to me like a good idea, but what the fuck do I know? I can't even get rid of the goddamned hiccups.

Cheers,
Frank Geiger
Dayton OH

SHARYN SEZ:
Frank, it's letters like yours that make me question our policy of printing letters as they are written! You might want to try washing your mouth out with soap as a cure for those hicoughs of yours. I'll never understand why intelligent people such as yourself can't make better use of the Queen's English. Call me old fashioned but there must be some good reason why William Shakespeare and James Michener never had to resort to the "F" word to make a point. I don't mean to nag cause I love your idea--you just happened to hit on one of my pet peeves. Think about what I said. (By the way, Mother always said that the best way to rid yourself of the hicoughs was to imagine yourself in your own coffin. Hope that works for you!