No Guns No Hate No Violence!

I been thinking about nonviolent robberies where someone who just want to make a robbery but do not want to hurt nobody or take a rap for armed robbery could maybe carry a big ugly scary pet snake like a boa convector and get cashiers who are women to turn over all the money without no violence at all. As best as I can know there is no law that says no body can carry around his pet snake so this could really work good.

Shabazz Africa
Holmesburg State Penitentiary

QUIT YOUR MYSTERIOUS WAYS!

Hey Ladies,
   It's me, SweetPea, checking in from my messed up life in the Big Easy, which ain't so fuckin' easy these days. Still no big break for your gal but I'm bartending at the Apple Barrel and singing on some open mike nights around town. I do believe the suffering is improving my songs. Here's a new one I wrote last week at the end of a really swell day.


MYSTERIOUS WAYS

I'm outta cash
My job is gone
And worry fuels my days.
My kids are wild
My husband cheats
Christ, quit your mysterious ways.

I don't get dressed
I'm way too stressed
And my Ma would kill me if I confessed
I drink a quart of gin most days
My life's a mess
Off track I guess
Please quit your mysterious ways.

I'm a church goin' gal
Been all my life
Wanna be a good woman and mother and wife,
But the way the Lord's movin' fills my heart with strife
Your mysterious ways
Are ruinin' my life.

So I'm kneelin' down Lord
Got the focus on You
When I party I parties
When I pray I prays
My life's in a whirl
Down the toilet it swirls
Please stop movin' my life
With Mysterious Ways!

That's all I got today.
Love and Money,
SweetPea
NOLA       
   
        

DEAR CARMELLA,

TO THE ATTENTION OF THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THE KINDS OF BOOKS AND RADIO PROGRAMS AND TELEVISION SHOWS THAT HELP PEOPLE TO MAKE HAPPIER LIVES FOR THEMSELVES WITH GOD'S HELP!
Dear Sir,
   My name is Carmella Pagliacetti. I am a 66 year old widow, a devoted Mother, a good Catholic and 11 times a Grandmother. All my life since I am a little girl I am able to solve people's problems. "Carmella, what should I do?" "Carmella, what's wrong with me?" Carmella, this. Carmella, that. And always the Holy Spirit whispers in my ear what to say. "Aunt Rosa, beg Uncle ChooChoo for forgiveness, make a big fish dinner and make the First Fridays for the rest of your life." "Sal, you gotta stop thinking about that dirty whore with immoral thoughts. Go to Mr. Gentilli and beg his forgiveness and ask for Little Theresa's hand in Holy Matrimony." "Lena, you will never get yourself a husband if you don't stop stuffing your mouth like a pig. Beg the Blessed Mother for forgiveness for your gluttony and fast like Our Lord Jesus did in the desert."
   Always my advice works. Ask anybody in South Philly in St. Monica's parish. So what I'm thinking is, the Jews have that Dr. Laura and the protestants have big mouth Dr. Phil, but who have the Catholics, especially the Italian Catholics have?
   I am writing this letter because the Holy Spirit whispered in my ear that I should, and I am the handmaiden of the Holy Spirit. I would like to steer the sinning masses away from near occasions of sin and lead them to Christ. Please print this letter exactly as He made me write it. Thank you.
Mrs. Carmella Pagliacetti
PS The photo was taken on the occasion of my senior prom in 1953 at St, Maria Goretti High School. I went with my dead husband Al. I look much the same.

IDEA #1

Dear VERY SPECial PeRsOn,
   This is it. (Take that Michael Jackson!) Right now. My first idea written down in my blood for you. THAT IS A VICIOUS LIE! It is NOT my blood, but blood is blood is blood...blood...am I spelling that right? BLOOD. It looks funny, but I don't have a dictionary anymore. Once I ate the first 73 pages of Little Women and now I can't read in bed anymore. But be it BLUD or BLOOD or Bloudor Plasmicide the sentiment remains the same. INTENSE. VERY VERY INTENSE.
IDEA # 1
   My first idea is for a soap opera all about one person. Let's call him Walter. Walter is a very interesting guy from a very small town who suffers from multiple personality complex. An extreme complex. Thirty-seven personalities all living and loving, laughing and crying, fucking and killing inside Walter. The thirty-seven personalities are Claude Father alcoholic minister and husband of ex-stripper Patricia Barker parents of JoJo bedwetting dog lover married to Nina Mango Barker the fat pig and Tommy Barker their millionaire singer son and he's got a girlfriend named Flavor who's having an affair with her brother Bud who works for Mr. Jonestown a scary monster who sells hot dogs to the three good school kids Luke Poppy and Little Tiny and their teacher is Miss Teacher who lives next door to the terrible child molester Lieutenant Adolph who always sneaks around because his twin sister Saint Catherine publicly humiliates him by sexing up the town's mayor Mr. Rightson who hates the Barkers because they ran over his best friend Old Black Tom who cleans the office of Dick Richard the worm livered decaying Chief of Policew whose wife Lulu won't stop buying pineapples from the Korean grocer DucTapeLo and his wife ChinUpHi and their cousin Serena and her invisible friend Ward Warrior who pretends she is a cat and sleeps in the window of Curby Kirby who would like to kill Sid Como who wishes he weren't an Italian Jew who has to support his eight deaf dumb retarded paraplegic children Frankie, Joey, Soupy, Dino, Jerry, Petey, Shirley and Angie. They are not really retarded. They just PRETEND TO BE.
   There is a lot more to this story than I can tell tonight. I am running out of RED INK. (CODE)
   Since all of these characters have to be played by one actor it really keeps the audience on their toes and it also keeps production costs really low. BOFFO!
   This is only #1 of THOUSANDS.  GOOD GOD!!!

William "Bill Bostitch
Haverford State Casa de Crackers