PUPPY POOPER

Hey there Idea Ladies,
   You know my little baby doll told me about this here magazine and at first I got a real good chuckle at her and sat down to watch the tube and have a little snackeroo like I always do even though the old bod is growing a couple of them there love handles that you read about guys getting if you know what I mean...but I'm getting away from my main point that I got to say so I sat down with my ice cream and some of them pretzels that are dipped in chocolate that I like so much and started to watch Dancing With the Stars. Don't those dancers just about kill you and all but I couldn't pay attention because I'm thinking about what my honey doll told me and you know before I'm even done my ice cream I had to find my pen and some letter paper and write you about this idea I been thinking over for about 10 years or more cause the missus and me got a couple of poodles that are real cute as far as dogs go if you know what I mean but don't tell my baby doll I said that cause she loves those little pups like they was her own kids if you know what I mean. But I'm always thinking that having dogs would be a whole lot easier if you didn't always have to be walking them in the weather if you catch my meaning. So how come you couldn't invent a doggie toilet that would be like a ground level kind of bowl with a drain kind of build that would turn on by the weight of a number 1 or a number 2 and you'd get an automatic flush? If you can train them to roll over and play dead and all you could train them to go on the doggie toilet maybe with little treats or something. You know what I'm saying? This could be a really good deal I'm thinking. So at least I got it off my chest so I can go back to the tube and finish my treat.
Good Luck To You,
George Whooley
Evanston Illinois

TO MY MYSTERY GIRLS

To My Mystery Girls,
   This is Vic, your Pussycat Queen. I hope you are feeling delicious. I know I am. I'm staying in BelAir and I really wish we could get together. You can come anytime and hang out. I'm residing at the home of a recognizable celebrity, and she says you can come anytime (you wish!) I bet you would get along with her really great. She needs some new ideas. Okay. Here's my this week idea. I think you should be able to get a flu shot or a vitamin shot from the mailman...or how about the liquor store? My friend really wants to meet you. She doesn't believe in exercise. Some guy comes and changes her blood. IMAGINE! She really wants to meet you. I should be moving to Paris soon. I might be working with Roman  Polanski and Johnny Depp. Real talent. I'll let you know where I am staying. Keep sending my subscription to Nueva York. Dido will forward it to me wherevere I am. Do something special for yourselves today.
Always interested in you,
Your friend,
Vic DeBussey

SINGLES SYNERGY SYSTEM

   SH*T! I can hardly believe that I'm doing this again, but I started to think, and I got another great idea. Okay. Is there anything worse than when you go to a singles bar or a club and you've got to ask a thousand assholes, "What's your name? What do you do? What do you drive? What do you make? Are you worth my time?" and a thousand other stupid questions. It makes my eyes roll, and sometimes I yawn and daydream about binge drinking. But I have to do it and so does everybody else who wants to hook up with someone semi-interesting and acceptable. What if everybody's answers were available online and clubs had computer stations where you could check out prospective hook-ups without actually having to make eye contact or speak. (I guess some kind of ID is necessary.) This would save me and everybody a whole lot of time and be less boring and embarrassing--for losers especially. I think it would be great.
Angie McLaughlin
PS I also think it would be very cool if you didn't have to wear the same shoe on both feet. I'd like the option to buy singles.
PPS That guy who wants to meet me sounds like a real downer, but I'd be willing to read his answers to the previously mentioned questions. Without making eye contact. I doubt he'd make the grade, but...I'm a very open minded girl.

MONEY MAGIC!

HEY GALS,
ITS MAMA KITTY KAT MANDIEU COMIN' BACK AT YA! YOU KNOW ME--I'M THE SEER WITH THE BEER. HA! THE TIPSY GYPSY. HA! HA! MAMA'S HAD A FEW, BUT SHE WANTED TO SEND SOMEOTHER WORKIN' MAGIC TO MY GALS AND THEIR FOLLOWERS.
EVERYBODYS BROKE. EVERYBODY NEEDS HELP. MAMA TO THE RESCUE.
FIRST, IF YOU CAN'T SELL YOUR HOUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY, TRY THIS. GET A LITTLE STATUE OF ST. JOSEPH, STEP DADDY TO THE LITTLE BABY JESUS. SAY A PRAYER TO ST. JOE, THEN BURY HIM UPSIDE DOWN IN YOUR FRONT YARD FACING THE HOUSE. (THAT'S IMPORTANT.) WALK AROUND THE SPOT THREE TIMES EVERY DAY AND SAY, "PLEASE SAINT JOE, MAKE THIS HOUSE GO." THAT'S ALL. HOUSE SOLD SOON. REMEMBER TO DIG UP THE LITTLE SAINT AND GIVE HIM A PLACE OF HONOR IN YOUR NEW HOUSE.
MAMA KITTY KAT PRAYS TO ALL THE GODS AND GODDESSES AND ANGELS AND SAINTS. THIS IS A PRAYER TO THE BEAUTIFUL GODDESS LAKSHMI WHO IS THE HINDU GODDESS OF PROSPERITY AND ABUNDANCE. SHE IS SPARKLY PRETTY WITH JEWELS AND ELEPHANTS. JUST LAST WEEK SHE THREW A GOLD COIN AT MY HEAD FROM THE HEAVENS. I SWEAR TO YOU IT IS TRUE. HERE'S A LITTLE CHANT TO THE LOVELY LAKSHMI THAT WILL FATTEN YOUR WALLET.
INDRA UVACHA
NAMASAYE SARVA LOKANAM
JANANIM ABJA SAMBHAVAM
SHRIYAM UNIDRA PADMAKSIM
VISHNOR VAKSHAH STHALA SHTITAM.
ALSO EAT BLACK EYED PEAS AND THINK OF THE TASTE OF MONEY.
ALSO GIVE SOME MONEY TO EVERYONE WHO ASKS...COULD BE AN ANGEL IN DISGUISE.
ALSO GIVE THANKS FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU DON'T HAVE THAT YOU DON'T WANT.

MAMA LOVES YOU,
MAMA KITTY KAT MANDIEU