JAILHOUSE TATTOO QUEEN

To Who It Concerns
I never knew how many fucked up looney birds were out there until I seen your paper. One good thing it makes me glad I'm locked up. You good law abiding A-holes are crazier than anybody in here. Here is Munsey Correctional Center. The Hen House. I hear you wondering what I did so I'll tell you not that its any of your business. I fed my husband poison egg nog on Christmas Eve 1988. You like that? He was my second husband. The first one died suddenly on July 4 1980. We had an explosion. Your so smart you figure it out.
When I checked in here in 1990 I shared a crib with some crazy fucking old bull dike name of Cheek who did jailhouse tattoos. You need a needle and thread. I make my own die. So then Cheek choked to death on one of her own needles, Easter Sunday 1994, after she taught me everything she knew. I carried on the torch and today I am the greatest skin artist in any prison anywhere. My mark is on almost every bird who come through this joint for the last 15 years.
Lately I've been experimenting with floresent dies that I make myself and I also have invented a scratch and sniff tat. Right now I'm working on art with invisible ink. I make the ink myself. And anniversary tattoos for anybody with an anniversary worth remembering. I'd like to do a book of my designs. I also think there is a good movie in my life. If anyone wants me to work on them tell them to get locked up in Delaware County. No cry babies.

Dead serious,
Babe Broderick
Munsey CC

MY LIFE'S AN OPEN BOOK

FRIENDS,
Painful though it may be, think about the aftermath of your death. Stories about the highlights of your life--or perhaps just the low lights. Your earthly goods are fought over and distributed--or discarded! Your family talks about you occasionally, but the stories are getting muddled. You become a dead person. Your progeny tries to remember your first name. Oblivion.
Of course, not everyone has this problem. Not Michael Jackson or Frank Sinatra or Marilyn Monroe. Not anyone who is important enough to have a biographer. Their life stories are preserved forever. Bound.
Why not your life story? Your biography. Hundreds of pages. With photos. Bound in fine engraved Corinthian leather. An eternal gift for the loved ones, admirers and frenemies you leave behind.
A respected, published biographer (Misunderstood--The Bob Crane Story, Anna Nicole Smith--The Once and Future Blond and Jerry Lee Lewis--Dead or Alive?) will write your story. The finished volume will be printed and bound by The Ye Olde Connecticut Library Press. The ultimate last gift to your loved ones. Or the next to the last. Great memento for retirement affairs or 80th birthday parties. For only six monthly payments of $109.99. For more details write today so we can write tomorrow.
Biographically Yours,

Ye Olde Connecticut Library
Post Office Box 703
Pierre, South Dakota

Cincinnati Dish Rag!

ATTENTION READERS!
Make way for The Cincinnati Dish Rag! The Rag is your forum for publicly registering complaints that may not warrant legal action but nevertheless make your ass burn. I'm talking about the little things in life that make you want to kill somebody with your bare teeth. Like the incredible vanishing waitress at the Fill Your Belly Deli who is younger than you and calls you "Hon" when she brings your side of mayo with dessert. Or the landlord who crazy glues your locks shut just because you call L & I on him. How about art openings? Or artists? Or art? Or the elderly but decidedly dangerous guy next door who doesn't speak English and keeps his kitchen dinette set in the empty parking space outside of your house so you can't park there and he doesn't even own a car?? Anything that makes you crazy. Moron sales clerks. Rip-off dry cleaners. For a measly $3 we'll give you satisfaction. In The Dish Rag you can tell the whole world about your bad experience at the DMV and get some fudge off your chest, embarrass a local hotshot or maybe even ruin a business!
I'm ready to begin publishing in your city. Think how much fun you'll have screwing the people that screw you every day. Tell on them. Strike Back!!!

Revenge is Yours,
F.U. Booth
Cincinnati OH

MFF/CCC

SJM, up-mo, sharp, super intelligent, divorced father of 2 great kids has come up with kid care money maker of the century--The Magnetic Free Floating Child Care Centers! Busy Mom or Dad drops kidz off at MFF/CCC where padded magnetic belt/ harness is attached to kid by trained attendant who then lifts kid about 2 feet off the ground and attaches it to metal wall where other kidz are already hanging and having a blast. Home model could also be dynamite seller! I'm excited. If you're excited too and would like to get in on this before it's too late contact me today. We could "Hang Out!"

Marc Samson