PUPPY POOPER

Hey there Idea Ladies,
   You know my little baby doll told me about this here magazine and at first I got a real good chuckle at her and sat down to watch the tube and have a little snackeroo like I always do even though the old bod is growing a couple of them there love handles that you read about guys getting if you know what I mean...but I'm getting away from my main point that I got to say so I sat down with my ice cream and some of them pretzels that are dipped in chocolate that I like so much and started to watch Dancing With the Stars. Don't those dancers just about kill you and all but I couldn't pay attention because I'm thinking about what my honey doll told me and you know before I'm even done my ice cream I had to find my pen and some letter paper and write you about this idea I been thinking over for about 10 years or more cause the missus and me got a couple of poodles that are real cute as far as dogs go if you know what I mean but don't tell my baby doll I said that cause she loves those little pups like they was her own kids if you know what I mean. But I'm always thinking that having dogs would be a whole lot easier if you didn't always have to be walking them in the weather if you catch my meaning. So how come you couldn't invent a doggie toilet that would be like a ground level kind of bowl with a drain kind of build that would turn on by the weight of a number 1 or a number 2 and you'd get an automatic flush? If you can train them to roll over and play dead and all you could train them to go on the doggie toilet maybe with little treats or something. You know what I'm saying? This could be a really good deal I'm thinking. So at least I got it off my chest so I can go back to the tube and finish my treat.
Good Luck To You,
George Whooley
Evanston Illinois

TO MY MYSTERY GIRLS

To My Mystery Girls,
   This is Vic, your Pussycat Queen. I hope you are feeling delicious. I know I am. I'm staying in BelAir and I really wish we could get together. You can come anytime and hang out. I'm residing at the home of a recognizable celebrity, and she says you can come anytime (you wish!) I bet you would get along with her really great. She needs some new ideas. Okay. Here's my this week idea. I think you should be able to get a flu shot or a vitamin shot from the mailman...or how about the liquor store? My friend really wants to meet you. She doesn't believe in exercise. Some guy comes and changes her blood. IMAGINE! She really wants to meet you. I should be moving to Paris soon. I might be working with Roman  Polanski and Johnny Depp. Real talent. I'll let you know where I am staying. Keep sending my subscription to Nueva York. Dido will forward it to me wherevere I am. Do something special for yourselves today.
Always interested in you,
Your friend,
Vic DeBussey

SINGLES SYNERGY SYSTEM

   SH*T! I can hardly believe that I'm doing this again, but I started to think, and I got another great idea. Okay. Is there anything worse than when you go to a singles bar or a club and you've got to ask a thousand assholes, "What's your name? What do you do? What do you drive? What do you make? Are you worth my time?" and a thousand other stupid questions. It makes my eyes roll, and sometimes I yawn and daydream about binge drinking. But I have to do it and so does everybody else who wants to hook up with someone semi-interesting and acceptable. What if everybody's answers were available online and clubs had computer stations where you could check out prospective hook-ups without actually having to make eye contact or speak. (I guess some kind of ID is necessary.) This would save me and everybody a whole lot of time and be less boring and embarrassing--for losers especially. I think it would be great.
Angie McLaughlin
PS I also think it would be very cool if you didn't have to wear the same shoe on both feet. I'd like the option to buy singles.
PPS That guy who wants to meet me sounds like a real downer, but I'd be willing to read his answers to the previously mentioned questions. Without making eye contact. I doubt he'd make the grade, but...I'm a very open minded girl.

MONEY MAGIC!

HEY GALS,
ITS MAMA KITTY KAT MANDIEU COMIN' BACK AT YA! YOU KNOW ME--I'M THE SEER WITH THE BEER. HA! THE TIPSY GYPSY. HA! HA! MAMA'S HAD A FEW, BUT SHE WANTED TO SEND SOMEOTHER WORKIN' MAGIC TO MY GALS AND THEIR FOLLOWERS.
EVERYBODYS BROKE. EVERYBODY NEEDS HELP. MAMA TO THE RESCUE.
FIRST, IF YOU CAN'T SELL YOUR HOUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY, TRY THIS. GET A LITTLE STATUE OF ST. JOSEPH, STEP DADDY TO THE LITTLE BABY JESUS. SAY A PRAYER TO ST. JOE, THEN BURY HIM UPSIDE DOWN IN YOUR FRONT YARD FACING THE HOUSE. (THAT'S IMPORTANT.) WALK AROUND THE SPOT THREE TIMES EVERY DAY AND SAY, "PLEASE SAINT JOE, MAKE THIS HOUSE GO." THAT'S ALL. HOUSE SOLD SOON. REMEMBER TO DIG UP THE LITTLE SAINT AND GIVE HIM A PLACE OF HONOR IN YOUR NEW HOUSE.
MAMA KITTY KAT PRAYS TO ALL THE GODS AND GODDESSES AND ANGELS AND SAINTS. THIS IS A PRAYER TO THE BEAUTIFUL GODDESS LAKSHMI WHO IS THE HINDU GODDESS OF PROSPERITY AND ABUNDANCE. SHE IS SPARKLY PRETTY WITH JEWELS AND ELEPHANTS. JUST LAST WEEK SHE THREW A GOLD COIN AT MY HEAD FROM THE HEAVENS. I SWEAR TO YOU IT IS TRUE. HERE'S A LITTLE CHANT TO THE LOVELY LAKSHMI THAT WILL FATTEN YOUR WALLET.
INDRA UVACHA
NAMASAYE SARVA LOKANAM
JANANIM ABJA SAMBHAVAM
SHRIYAM UNIDRA PADMAKSIM
VISHNOR VAKSHAH STHALA SHTITAM.
ALSO EAT BLACK EYED PEAS AND THINK OF THE TASTE OF MONEY.
ALSO GIVE SOME MONEY TO EVERYONE WHO ASKS...COULD BE AN ANGEL IN DISGUISE.
ALSO GIVE THANKS FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU DON'T HAVE THAT YOU DON'T WANT.

MAMA LOVES YOU,
MAMA KITTY KAT MANDIEU

HEAD SMACKING SONIC OSCILLATOR

Dear Idea Family,
Try this on for size. Introducing the Head Smacking Sonic Oscillator, a remote control device that lets me (or you) administer a sharp slap to the forehead of anyone you deem needs one. Those who ignore the rules of common courtesy--what hope for a being who doesn't comprehend the notion of alternate merge? Hideous and unforgivable fashion faux pas. Litterers. The rude, the loud, the insistent. A little reminder for the criminally annoying. And the HSSO is completely remote control so the recipient never knows who they've offended and there is no chance of ugly retribution. It is safe and easy to operate once you get the hang of it. Send for details if you agree that "To Each His Own" is a misguided sentiment.

Watch Your Step,
Toby Black
Boston MA

PS I would like to correspond with Angie McLaughlin. She seems to be my kind of woman.
How can I arrange this?

SHARYN SEZ, HI TOBY AND WELCOME TO THE FAMILY! ANGIE IS A HOOT--SHE JUST SENT ME SOME MORE GREAT IDEAS THAT I'LL POST SOON. LOTS OF IDEA LADIES FANS WOULD LIKE TO CONNECT. WE'LL HAVE TO WORK ON A SAFE AND FUN WAY TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

SUREAL CEREAL

I HAVE A BRAND NEW UNIQUE MOST FABULOUS IDEA FOR AN ADULT BREAKFAST CEREAL...

SUREAL!!!! THE BREAKFAST OF PSYCHOPATHS AND POST MODERNISTS! SO CRUNCHY YOU'LL BE DAZED AND CONFUSED.

PS I HAVE THE RECIPE.

JERE

WAKE THE FUCK UP!

Dear IdeoLady,
You know what makes me crazy? All these egghead types getting paid a ton for there dumb ideos. I work for an architextual company, but I'm not an engineer unless you count the sanatational type. Well I got a ton of good ideas and if I went to college I'd probably be working for a Nasa think tank or Washington dc there. Heres a couple of my good ideas. They just happen to be both of them alarm clocks.

Tilt-A-Bed Alarm
This bed tilts slowly from a regular horizontal position to a stand up vertical position. It will take about 20 minutes and stand up for 1 hour.

The Hit-And-Run Accident Alarm
This ones a little more action packed for the really hard to wake up. The headboard looks like a 1965 Buick Special. Black. The poor sucker sleeping there will wake up to screeching brakes headlights horn honking glass breaking. You get the picture. Wake up Sunshine. To stop it you gotta get up and stay up for 30 minutes. Pretty good huh?

If someone wants to buy these ideas they can reach me at

William DeGroot
Baltimore MD

JAILHOUSE TATTOO QUEEN

To Who It Concerns
I never knew how many fucked up looney birds were out there until I seen your paper. One good thing it makes me glad I'm locked up. You good law abiding A-holes are crazier than anybody in here. Here is Munsey Correctional Center. The Hen House. I hear you wondering what I did so I'll tell you not that its any of your business. I fed my husband poison egg nog on Christmas Eve 1988. You like that? He was my second husband. The first one died suddenly on July 4 1980. We had an explosion. Your so smart you figure it out.
When I checked in here in 1990 I shared a crib with some crazy fucking old bull dike name of Cheek who did jailhouse tattoos. You need a needle and thread. I make my own die. So then Cheek choked to death on one of her own needles, Easter Sunday 1994, after she taught me everything she knew. I carried on the torch and today I am the greatest skin artist in any prison anywhere. My mark is on almost every bird who come through this joint for the last 15 years.
Lately I've been experimenting with floresent dies that I make myself and I also have invented a scratch and sniff tat. Right now I'm working on art with invisible ink. I make the ink myself. And anniversary tattoos for anybody with an anniversary worth remembering. I'd like to do a book of my designs. I also think there is a good movie in my life. If anyone wants me to work on them tell them to get locked up in Delaware County. No cry babies.

Dead serious,
Babe Broderick
Munsey CC

MY LIFE'S AN OPEN BOOK

FRIENDS,
Painful though it may be, think about the aftermath of your death. Stories about the highlights of your life--or perhaps just the low lights. Your earthly goods are fought over and distributed--or discarded! Your family talks about you occasionally, but the stories are getting muddled. You become a dead person. Your progeny tries to remember your first name. Oblivion.
Of course, not everyone has this problem. Not Michael Jackson or Frank Sinatra or Marilyn Monroe. Not anyone who is important enough to have a biographer. Their life stories are preserved forever. Bound.
Why not your life story? Your biography. Hundreds of pages. With photos. Bound in fine engraved Corinthian leather. An eternal gift for the loved ones, admirers and frenemies you leave behind.
A respected, published biographer (Misunderstood--The Bob Crane Story, Anna Nicole Smith--The Once and Future Blond and Jerry Lee Lewis--Dead or Alive?) will write your story. The finished volume will be printed and bound by The Ye Olde Connecticut Library Press. The ultimate last gift to your loved ones. Or the next to the last. Great memento for retirement affairs or 80th birthday parties. For only six monthly payments of $109.99. For more details write today so we can write tomorrow.
Biographically Yours,

Ye Olde Connecticut Library
Post Office Box 703
Pierre, South Dakota

Cincinnati Dish Rag!

ATTENTION READERS!
Make way for The Cincinnati Dish Rag! The Rag is your forum for publicly registering complaints that may not warrant legal action but nevertheless make your ass burn. I'm talking about the little things in life that make you want to kill somebody with your bare teeth. Like the incredible vanishing waitress at the Fill Your Belly Deli who is younger than you and calls you "Hon" when she brings your side of mayo with dessert. Or the landlord who crazy glues your locks shut just because you call L & I on him. How about art openings? Or artists? Or art? Or the elderly but decidedly dangerous guy next door who doesn't speak English and keeps his kitchen dinette set in the empty parking space outside of your house so you can't park there and he doesn't even own a car?? Anything that makes you crazy. Moron sales clerks. Rip-off dry cleaners. For a measly $3 we'll give you satisfaction. In The Dish Rag you can tell the whole world about your bad experience at the DMV and get some fudge off your chest, embarrass a local hotshot or maybe even ruin a business!
I'm ready to begin publishing in your city. Think how much fun you'll have screwing the people that screw you every day. Tell on them. Strike Back!!!

Revenge is Yours,
F.U. Booth
Cincinnati OH

MFF/CCC

SJM, up-mo, sharp, super intelligent, divorced father of 2 great kids has come up with kid care money maker of the century--The Magnetic Free Floating Child Care Centers! Busy Mom or Dad drops kidz off at MFF/CCC where padded magnetic belt/ harness is attached to kid by trained attendant who then lifts kid about 2 feet off the ground and attaches it to metal wall where other kidz are already hanging and having a blast. Home model could also be dynamite seller! I'm excited. If you're excited too and would like to get in on this before it's too late contact me today. We could "Hang Out!"

Marc Samson

GENIUSES AMALGAMATED

To Big Thinkers Everywhere!
There are ideas, and, then THERE ARE IDEAS!!!
WOULD YOU LIKE TO OWN A PART OF THE FUTURES OF THE FUTURE? Welcome to Amalgamated Geniuses where you can share in the cumulative lifetime earnings of America's best and brightest.
GENIUS FUTURES NOW AVAILABLE AT AMALGAMATED GENIUSES!
We at AG represent the creme de la creme of tomorrow's big shot successes today. Today's smart kids will rule the world tomorrow and you can buy a piece of them today.
For a small investment you can own part of their American dream and that's the American way! That's right! A lifetime percentage of their total earnings tomorrow for a small investment today.
Amalgamated Geniuses is still in start-up mode, but if this sounds like a...GENIUS IDEA to you please write to me, Marty Litwak, President and CEO of AMALGAMATED GENIUSES!

Tomorrow and Beyond,
Marty Litwak
President and CEO
AMALGAMATED GENIUSES

PRO HEM BINDING CHOICE!

Dear Sirs,
I believe that hem/seam binding is much too flimsy and should be available in wider widths. This is my idea.

Humbley yours,
Jeannette Lempley
Canton Ohio

SHARYN SEZ: Haven't you thought the same exact thing about a million times? Jeannette honey, I think you've got a winner. For super emergency repairs surgical tape will hold up a droopy hem for hours. Once on the way to Mother Bach's house for Christmas dinner I discovered that little Heidi's kilt hem had come undone. Well naturally I panicked. I was ready to turn around and forget the whole thing when I remembered the stapler in my make-up bag. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. I stapled that sucker all the way around, and don't you know it worked like a charm.

ADORABLE (PICKANINNY) MARSHMALLOW TREATS

Hello again Caryn and Sharyn!
Thanks for printing my recipe ideas for children and adults of all ages. Here is a new one. It came to me complete in a dream.

PICKANINNY MARSHMALLOW TREATS
1.Take one big marshmallow.
2.To make hair take 8 mini-marshmallows and spear each with a colorful toothpick then stick the toothpicks into the big marshmallow. Cute pigtails! (See my drawing.)
3.Add Cheerio eyes and gumdrop nose.
4.Add red licorice whip mouth. I attach these with confectioner sugar paste.
5. Enjoy the smiles of your family and friends.

Thanks again, Idea Ladies. I will continue to share my fun and delicious recipe treats.

Dot Fritchie
Glen Burnie Illinois

SHARYN SEZ: Dottie, I love your recipes, but I gotta tell you I think you should rename this one. The Idea Ladies don't edit unless your idea is illegal or a terrorist bomb recipe, but this one gives me pause. Clueless doesn't equal blameless as I always tell my kids. Nuff said!

I'm Gonna Watch You Die!

Happy Flag Day Ladies,
Here's a new composition for one of the bad boys of Country Music. It's called "I'm Gonna Watch You Die".

She looked at me and smiled
With a tear drop in her eye
And whispered lovin' in my ear
I'm gonna watch you die.

As I stand before the man in black
I realize there's no turnin' back
I've traded my immortal soul
He says it's life without parole
I've gone and ruined my happy life
She's my little life sentence
She's my wife.

She looked at me and smiled
With a tear drop in her eye
And whispered lovin' in my ear
I'm gonna watch you die.

I don't know how it all began
Some really short shorts
And a really great tan
A couple of shots then we rocked my van
And I was a happy man.

Then breakfast came and she smiled so sweet
And she cooked so good
And she laughed so low
And she moved so fine
Swept me off my feet and onto my knee
Asking for her hand in matrimony
I swear to God
She hypnotized me.

She's my little life sentence
And I'll love her till I die
Damn I really didn't plan it
But it's her by my side.

Now she looks at me
With a smile in her eye
And whispers naughty in my ear
I'm gonna watch you die.

Thanks ladies,
Sweet Pea
NOLA

TUPPERWARE COFFINS!

TO WHOMEVER IT CONCERNS:
WHAT ABOUT COFFINS FROM TUPPERWARE? CHEAP. DURABLE. AIRTIGHT--IF YOU BURP IT CORRECTLY. THIS I THINK IS A GREAT BREAKTHROUGH AND WHO WOULD KNOW BETTER THAN ME? A MEMBER OF THE GOLD KEY SALES HALL OF FAME IN TUPPERWARE FOR 24 YEARS. TUPPERWARE FOR ORGAN BANKS--MY IDEA. THE COLD CUT STORAGE BIN WOULD BE PERFECT FOR THE BRAIN I TOLD THEM AND SO THEY BECAME MY CUSTOMER. ALWAYS NEW IDEAS. MY BRAIN NEVER STOPS. TUPPERWARE. EVERYWHERE. COFFINS.

LENI BORSKI
LANSDOWNE PA

1-2-3-4-CLOSURE!!!!

Hi Caryn and Sharyn,
I just got back from the St. Dismas Craft Show, Caryn was chairwoman and IT WAS GREAT!!! We raised over $300 for the Holy Mercy Hospital Thrift Store and I had a ball. I'm one of the St. Dismas crafters and I sell greeting cards that I print on recycled paper bags and wrapping paper. Caryn said I should share my new line of Bad Times cards with your readers. I sent a picture of a good one. It says,
"Greetings! Between Hard Times and the Darned Depression Ain't got nothing left but this Pleasant Expression!" Another one that sold real well said, "Depressed? Your hair looks a mess and you're still in your jammies, Are you feeling depressed? Have you got the whammies?" and "1-2-3-4 Closure? Don't let it get you down. Tomorrow this will all be over and things will turn around!"
I just think these little greeting cards will help us all get through this vale of tears. If you're ever in Bluford you can buy these at the Hospital Thrift Store or feel free to make your own for your friends. And hey Hallmark, if you're reading this, I got a million more!

Have a happy day,
Vickie Mellatoniakis
Bluford PA!

I PUT A SPELL ON YOU!

Hey there Idea Gals,

I am Big Mama Kittycat Mandieu and I see a great idea coming at you--from me! I have The Gift. The Sixth Sense. The Third Eye. The sight, the touch, the sense. The Hocus Pocus Focus. I have known about my powerful gift since I was a little tiny baby girl at my Mama's breast. I could call up the sweet milk at will and I did. But always for good, not malice for no one. So anyways time goes by my gift gets big. I study with the Voudous and the Wiccans and the gypsies and the wise old women and I learn a heap about spells and magic and the world beyond. Plus I am a great cook and a good looking curvy woman. So anyways I am writing a book--part cookbook part magic spell book. Big picture of me on the front. I can practically make them buy the book. Sure thing. So anyways I am going to start sending you a few basic free spells so's you can see how good they work. Like good publicity for my book. All spells must be cast with a good heart, not malice for no one.

CHILL OUT DARLIN
When someone is getting on your last nerve and you feel the explosion coming write the name of the person on a piece of paper, lick it all over good and stick it to the wall of your freezer. Just think Chill out Darlin and shut the door. The chill will start very soon. Good for everyone.

More soon,
Big Mama Kittycat Mandieu

PIGEON BABIES?

Misses Givens,

This is not an idea unless a theory is an idea. It's more like a question. Why are there no pigeon babies? There's a lot of pigeons in my Philadelphia neighborhood, but I've never seen a baby pigeon. I have a few theories.

1.There are no baby pigeons because the juvenile pigeon has yet to develop wings and still maintains remnants of an umbilicus often mistaken for a tail. Many uninformed citizens call these baby pigeons "rats".
2.There are no baby pigeons because the French persist in eating squab.
3.All pigeons are baby pigeons. Luckily their extremely short life span prevents them from achieving full adult growth, approximately the size of a fat cat.
4. There are no baby pigeons because of strict avian adherence to birth control measures.
5.There are no baby pigeons because even pigeons can't stomach the thought of mating with anything as vile and disgusting as a pigeon.

I don't know. But there are no baby pigeons. I would be quite interested in other theories.

Edward Hillberg

GOOD RIDDANCE! BAD TRASH!

Hey Ladies,

My name is Pearl Elizabeth Ashloyd and I live in New Orleans at present. Everybody calls me SweetPea and everybody always has. I write country songs. Damned good ones I think. Everyday songs. Good drinkable vin ordinaire. Songs that strike a chord. Thus far I have not been discovered. Instead of rich and famous I am poor and barely visible but I am no ways given up. It's just a matter of time. I thought I'd send you ladies a song now and then. Who knows? Here's one that I wrote for Gretchen Wilson.

THE GOOD RID DANCE

Gave my heart to a loser for the very last time
Three strikes and I'm through with romance.
Now I'm out with my girls drinking Cuervo and lime,
And we're doing The Good Rid Dance.

Good riddance to Bad Trash!

We're a little bit high and we're laughing real loud
And we're thinkin' we'll move to France
Cause the trash that we trusted and married and kissed
Are getting The Good Rid Dance.

Good riddance to Bad Trash!

Put your hand on your hip and stick out your lip
Take two steps forward with a digital flip
Turn your back on the one that you adored
And march your ass right out the door.

Good Riddance to bad trash!

So I'm back to square one but I'm not undone
For you know I'll be takin' a chance (again)
But tonight I'm mad and drunk and sad
And I'm doing The Good Rid Dance.