MY LIFE'S AN OPEN BOOK

FRIENDS,
Painful though it may be, think about the aftermath of your death. Stories about the highlights of your life--or perhaps just the low lights. Your earthly goods are fought over and distributed--or discarded! Your family talks about you occasionally, but the stories are getting muddled. You become a dead person. Your progeny tries to remember your first name. Oblivion.
Of course, not everyone has this problem. Not Michael Jackson or Frank Sinatra or Marilyn Monroe. Not anyone who is important enough to have a biographer. Their life stories are preserved forever. Bound.
Why not your life story? Your biography. Hundreds of pages. With photos. Bound in fine engraved Corinthian leather. An eternal gift for the loved ones, admirers and frenemies you leave behind.
A respected, published biographer (Misunderstood--The Bob Crane Story, Anna Nicole Smith--The Once and Future Blond and Jerry Lee Lewis--Dead or Alive?) will write your story. The finished volume will be printed and bound by The Ye Olde Connecticut Library Press. The ultimate last gift to your loved ones. Or the next to the last. Great memento for retirement affairs or 80th birthday parties. For only six monthly payments of $109.99. For more details write today so we can write tomorrow.
Biographically Yours,

Ye Olde Connecticut Library
Post Office Box 703
Pierre, South Dakota

Cincinnati Dish Rag!

ATTENTION READERS!
Make way for The Cincinnati Dish Rag! The Rag is your forum for publicly registering complaints that may not warrant legal action but nevertheless make your ass burn. I'm talking about the little things in life that make you want to kill somebody with your bare teeth. Like the incredible vanishing waitress at the Fill Your Belly Deli who is younger than you and calls you "Hon" when she brings your side of mayo with dessert. Or the landlord who crazy glues your locks shut just because you call L & I on him. How about art openings? Or artists? Or art? Or the elderly but decidedly dangerous guy next door who doesn't speak English and keeps his kitchen dinette set in the empty parking space outside of your house so you can't park there and he doesn't even own a car?? Anything that makes you crazy. Moron sales clerks. Rip-off dry cleaners. For a measly $3 we'll give you satisfaction. In The Dish Rag you can tell the whole world about your bad experience at the DMV and get some fudge off your chest, embarrass a local hotshot or maybe even ruin a business!
I'm ready to begin publishing in your city. Think how much fun you'll have screwing the people that screw you every day. Tell on them. Strike Back!!!

Revenge is Yours,
F.U. Booth
Cincinnati OH

MFF/CCC

SJM, up-mo, sharp, super intelligent, divorced father of 2 great kids has come up with kid care money maker of the century--The Magnetic Free Floating Child Care Centers! Busy Mom or Dad drops kidz off at MFF/CCC where padded magnetic belt/ harness is attached to kid by trained attendant who then lifts kid about 2 feet off the ground and attaches it to metal wall where other kidz are already hanging and having a blast. Home model could also be dynamite seller! I'm excited. If you're excited too and would like to get in on this before it's too late contact me today. We could "Hang Out!"

Marc Samson

GENIUSES AMALGAMATED

To Big Thinkers Everywhere!
There are ideas, and, then THERE ARE IDEAS!!!
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We at AG represent the creme de la creme of tomorrow's big shot successes today. Today's smart kids will rule the world tomorrow and you can buy a piece of them today.
For a small investment you can own part of their American dream and that's the American way! That's right! A lifetime percentage of their total earnings tomorrow for a small investment today.
Amalgamated Geniuses is still in start-up mode, but if this sounds like a...GENIUS IDEA to you please write to me, Marty Litwak, President and CEO of AMALGAMATED GENIUSES!

Tomorrow and Beyond,
Marty Litwak
President and CEO
AMALGAMATED GENIUSES

PRO HEM BINDING CHOICE!

Dear Sirs,
I believe that hem/seam binding is much too flimsy and should be available in wider widths. This is my idea.

Humbley yours,
Jeannette Lempley
Canton Ohio

SHARYN SEZ: Haven't you thought the same exact thing about a million times? Jeannette honey, I think you've got a winner. For super emergency repairs surgical tape will hold up a droopy hem for hours. Once on the way to Mother Bach's house for Christmas dinner I discovered that little Heidi's kilt hem had come undone. Well naturally I panicked. I was ready to turn around and forget the whole thing when I remembered the stapler in my make-up bag. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. I stapled that sucker all the way around, and don't you know it worked like a charm.

ADORABLE (PICKANINNY) MARSHMALLOW TREATS

Hello again Caryn and Sharyn!
Thanks for printing my recipe ideas for children and adults of all ages. Here is a new one. It came to me complete in a dream.

PICKANINNY MARSHMALLOW TREATS
1.Take one big marshmallow.
2.To make hair take 8 mini-marshmallows and spear each with a colorful toothpick then stick the toothpicks into the big marshmallow. Cute pigtails! (See my drawing.)
3.Add Cheerio eyes and gumdrop nose.
4.Add red licorice whip mouth. I attach these with confectioner sugar paste.
5. Enjoy the smiles of your family and friends.

Thanks again, Idea Ladies. I will continue to share my fun and delicious recipe treats.

Dot Fritchie
Glen Burnie Illinois

SHARYN SEZ: Dottie, I love your recipes, but I gotta tell you I think you should rename this one. The Idea Ladies don't edit unless your idea is illegal or a terrorist bomb recipe, but this one gives me pause. Clueless doesn't equal blameless as I always tell my kids. Nuff said!

I'm Gonna Watch You Die!

Happy Flag Day Ladies,
Here's a new composition for one of the bad boys of Country Music. It's called "I'm Gonna Watch You Die".

She looked at me and smiled
With a tear drop in her eye
And whispered lovin' in my ear
I'm gonna watch you die.

As I stand before the man in black
I realize there's no turnin' back
I've traded my immortal soul
He says it's life without parole
I've gone and ruined my happy life
She's my little life sentence
She's my wife.

She looked at me and smiled
With a tear drop in her eye
And whispered lovin' in my ear
I'm gonna watch you die.

I don't know how it all began
Some really short shorts
And a really great tan
A couple of shots then we rocked my van
And I was a happy man.

Then breakfast came and she smiled so sweet
And she cooked so good
And she laughed so low
And she moved so fine
Swept me off my feet and onto my knee
Asking for her hand in matrimony
I swear to God
She hypnotized me.

She's my little life sentence
And I'll love her till I die
Damn I really didn't plan it
But it's her by my side.

Now she looks at me
With a smile in her eye
And whispers naughty in my ear
I'm gonna watch you die.

Thanks ladies,
Sweet Pea
NOLA

TUPPERWARE COFFINS!

TO WHOMEVER IT CONCERNS:
WHAT ABOUT COFFINS FROM TUPPERWARE? CHEAP. DURABLE. AIRTIGHT--IF YOU BURP IT CORRECTLY. THIS I THINK IS A GREAT BREAKTHROUGH AND WHO WOULD KNOW BETTER THAN ME? A MEMBER OF THE GOLD KEY SALES HALL OF FAME IN TUPPERWARE FOR 24 YEARS. TUPPERWARE FOR ORGAN BANKS--MY IDEA. THE COLD CUT STORAGE BIN WOULD BE PERFECT FOR THE BRAIN I TOLD THEM AND SO THEY BECAME MY CUSTOMER. ALWAYS NEW IDEAS. MY BRAIN NEVER STOPS. TUPPERWARE. EVERYWHERE. COFFINS.

LENI BORSKI
LANSDOWNE PA

1-2-3-4-CLOSURE!!!!

Hi Caryn and Sharyn,
I just got back from the St. Dismas Craft Show, Caryn was chairwoman and IT WAS GREAT!!! We raised over $300 for the Holy Mercy Hospital Thrift Store and I had a ball. I'm one of the St. Dismas crafters and I sell greeting cards that I print on recycled paper bags and wrapping paper. Caryn said I should share my new line of Bad Times cards with your readers. I sent a picture of a good one. It says,
"Greetings! Between Hard Times and the Darned Depression Ain't got nothing left but this Pleasant Expression!" Another one that sold real well said, "Depressed? Your hair looks a mess and you're still in your jammies, Are you feeling depressed? Have you got the whammies?" and "1-2-3-4 Closure? Don't let it get you down. Tomorrow this will all be over and things will turn around!"
I just think these little greeting cards will help us all get through this vale of tears. If you're ever in Bluford you can buy these at the Hospital Thrift Store or feel free to make your own for your friends. And hey Hallmark, if you're reading this, I got a million more!

Have a happy day,
Vickie Mellatoniakis
Bluford PA!

I PUT A SPELL ON YOU!

Hey there Idea Gals,

I am Big Mama Kittycat Mandieu and I see a great idea coming at you--from me! I have The Gift. The Sixth Sense. The Third Eye. The sight, the touch, the sense. The Hocus Pocus Focus. I have known about my powerful gift since I was a little tiny baby girl at my Mama's breast. I could call up the sweet milk at will and I did. But always for good, not malice for no one. So anyways time goes by my gift gets big. I study with the Voudous and the Wiccans and the gypsies and the wise old women and I learn a heap about spells and magic and the world beyond. Plus I am a great cook and a good looking curvy woman. So anyways I am writing a book--part cookbook part magic spell book. Big picture of me on the front. I can practically make them buy the book. Sure thing. So anyways I am going to start sending you a few basic free spells so's you can see how good they work. Like good publicity for my book. All spells must be cast with a good heart, not malice for no one.

CHILL OUT DARLIN
When someone is getting on your last nerve and you feel the explosion coming write the name of the person on a piece of paper, lick it all over good and stick it to the wall of your freezer. Just think Chill out Darlin and shut the door. The chill will start very soon. Good for everyone.

More soon,
Big Mama Kittycat Mandieu

PIGEON BABIES?

Misses Givens,

This is not an idea unless a theory is an idea. It's more like a question. Why are there no pigeon babies? There's a lot of pigeons in my Philadelphia neighborhood, but I've never seen a baby pigeon. I have a few theories.

1.There are no baby pigeons because the juvenile pigeon has yet to develop wings and still maintains remnants of an umbilicus often mistaken for a tail. Many uninformed citizens call these baby pigeons "rats".
2.There are no baby pigeons because the French persist in eating squab.
3.All pigeons are baby pigeons. Luckily their extremely short life span prevents them from achieving full adult growth, approximately the size of a fat cat.
4. There are no baby pigeons because of strict avian adherence to birth control measures.
5.There are no baby pigeons because even pigeons can't stomach the thought of mating with anything as vile and disgusting as a pigeon.

I don't know. But there are no baby pigeons. I would be quite interested in other theories.

Edward Hillberg

GOOD RIDDANCE! BAD TRASH!

Hey Ladies,

My name is Pearl Elizabeth Ashloyd and I live in New Orleans at present. Everybody calls me SweetPea and everybody always has. I write country songs. Damned good ones I think. Everyday songs. Good drinkable vin ordinaire. Songs that strike a chord. Thus far I have not been discovered. Instead of rich and famous I am poor and barely visible but I am no ways given up. It's just a matter of time. I thought I'd send you ladies a song now and then. Who knows? Here's one that I wrote for Gretchen Wilson.

THE GOOD RID DANCE

Gave my heart to a loser for the very last time
Three strikes and I'm through with romance.
Now I'm out with my girls drinking Cuervo and lime,
And we're doing The Good Rid Dance.

Good riddance to Bad Trash!

We're a little bit high and we're laughing real loud
And we're thinkin' we'll move to France
Cause the trash that we trusted and married and kissed
Are getting The Good Rid Dance.

Good riddance to Bad Trash!

Put your hand on your hip and stick out your lip
Take two steps forward with a digital flip
Turn your back on the one that you adored
And march your ass right out the door.

Good Riddance to bad trash!

So I'm back to square one but I'm not undone
For you know I'll be takin' a chance (again)
But tonight I'm mad and drunk and sad
And I'm doing The Good Rid Dance.

RUG DRUG!

Dear Sir,
My idea is to invent a way to change the color of your wall-to-wall carpeting by just turning on a button or something or maybe sprinkling it with a powder of some kind. Not like spray paint. More like a chemical miracle.
In this way people could change the color of their carpeting very easy and they could change it more often than they could afford new carpeting.
Sincerely Yours,
Mrs. Joseph H. Connor
Utica New York

SHARYN SEZ: Our family room is carpeted in a fantasy patchwork quilt pattern that I created with hundreds of multi-colored carpet sample squares that I found in the dumpster behind Faye's CarpetWorld at the Mall. Fabulous and free!

PHUTURE PHONES!

PEOPLE,

I have some random good ideas for phone service that would seriously help a lot of people.
#1 THE AMBIANCE SCRAMBLER
This feature can change the background noises behind you. Like if you are supposed to be out bowling with your girlfriends but you are really out cruising with a guy, the AMBIANCE SCRAMBLER will fake the sounds of bowling alley noise over the phone so your mom or whoever will be totally clueless when you call to say you're gonna be late.
#2 THE AMBIANCE ERASER
This one totally wipes out background noise so if you're in a bar watching a hockey game or something and you've gotta call your mom or whoever you can wipe out loud bar noise. Then you could use the scramble feature to give the sound of girls talking and watching American Idol or whatever. How could she have a problem with that?
#3 THE VOICE DISGUISER
This feature would probably cost the most, but you could totally disguise your voice to sound like anyone in your contact list. Like last week I got in trouble cause I bleached my girlfriend Cheryl's hair. It looked really good, but her mom freaked and called my mom and we both got killed. If I had the voice disguiser then I would have pretended that I was my mom and only Cheryl would have got killed.

I believe these phone feature ideas would also be a big hit with adults who don't want husbands/ wives/ bosses/ friends or parents to know where they are when they are out. When you're out, you're out. Period.

Thanks,

Tanya Nagy

CARYN SEZ: Yakketty Yak, I must talk back. STOP LYING TO YOUR MOTHER OR YOU'LL BURN IN HELL! But seriously, what are you doing in a bar?

ALOHA, GIRLFRIENDS!

Aloha, Girlfriends!!

You've been wondering about me, haven't you? New York being what it is anything could happen to a poor girl all alone and on the streets and all that. Even though we've never met I feel like you deux are my best friends so I don't mind telling you that this life is killing me...but what a way to go! Jesus wept!

I got thrown out of my apartment due to a silly misunderstanding with my landlord so take note of my new address and please send me a copy of Issue #42 which got damaged in the fire. I'm dancing in a bookstore and I'm going to be starring in a film.

So I couldn't sleep the other day. I'm so insomniac! So I'm thinking about Margaret Rutherford and I'm thinking I do not want to be a hunchback. So I get to thinking why not put a shitload of calcium in the glue on envelopes and cure that nasty osteoporosis epidemic? Maybe I'd pay my bills if I thought there was some nutritional value in it. Et vous aussi?

Ta Ta for now. Do you think if I came out your way I could crash at your place for a couple of days? I'm no trouble. Let me know.

Love and sticky kisses,
The Unforgettable
Vic DeBussey

ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

Kind Editors,

My insignificant idea can be truly appreciated only by those who have suffered the lifelong social deprivation that is the agony of the only child. My true brothers and sisters.
My father was a traveling salesman given more to travel than to sales. Mother was a delicate creature with nerves like bone porcelain. I was the only spawn of their union, a scrawny, nervous child much given to hiding in the cedar chest. It was there in moth free splendour that I first concocted a vision of my proposed idea--the Automatic Jump Rope Turner.
Imagine...jump rope for all children,not just those with two friends. Even now I can remember the many hours I spent crouched in the chest dreaming of what my sorry life would be like with this wonderful contraption. Why I'd have learned all the chants and all the tricks and become a regular jump rope marvel. How different things might have been. Sometimes I still climb in my sweet smelling childhood retreat and dream about it.
Thank you for allowing me to share my dream. I stayed up most of last night trying to sketch my invention, but it was flawed...flawed. I could not send it for publication. Perhaps sometime in the future. I adore your publication.

Very Truly Yours,
Miss Deirdre Fennerty
Charleston, North Carolina

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!

LADIES:

MY IDEA IS TO INVENT A BOX ATTACHED TO YOUR TV SET THAT WOULD ADMINISTER A LITTLE ELECTRICAL SHOCK TO PEOPLE ON TV SHOWS LIKE FOR ME REGIS PHILBIN BARBARA WALTERS AND KATIE COURIC. FOR MY WIFE BRETT MICHAELS THE NEW YORK HOUSEWIVES AND OPRAH'S FRIEND GAIL. YOU PICK. A LITTLE SHOCK. NOT PAINFUL BUT NOT GOOD EITHER.

GEORGE PERROTT
LINCOLN NEBRASKA

SHARYN SEZ: George, just tell me where to send the check! I'd also like to have one for the dashboard of my car that I could point to certain other drivers on the road who should not be allowed on the streets. I'd also like to regulate the shock from barely there to steam cleaned brains. Oh, I wish! Good idea!

The American Living Room Pageant

Dear Editors,

Everybody loves Reality Shows and Beauty Pageants, right? Wouldn't you just love to see The American Living Room Pageant? It would be the ultimate decorating contest for Joe and Josephine Six Pack. Furniture, drapes, plants, knick knacks, carpeting, shelf
display, crafts--everything that makes a living room special would be judged by the viewing audience of America. And these would be REAL living rooms with REAL families who would also participate by maybe coordinating their clothes to the living rooms or sharing entertaining and seasonal decorating tips. Everybody would love this show! I have enclosed a photo of my pride and joy and I would like to be the host or a contestant.

Forever Yours,

Mrs. Harlene Rayback

BED ON THE TRACKS

This bed is made for someone who lives in a large place and is very lazy or morbidly obese or has movement limitations. The bed is on a track and the tracks lead to all the important places in the house. In the back of the bed is a crank that when cranked propels the bed along the track paths. It could also be jet or electricity or fuel propelled but that makes it much more complicated.

Thank you,
Maurice Hasselbach
Monongheheala PA

HICCUPS AND HELP!

For the Idea Guys,
The reason, and I apologize that this is written on a cocktail napkin, is because I'm sitting in a bar and I have hiccups. First of all I wish somebody would write in with a way to lose the fucking hiccups. Thus far I've tried eating a teaspoon of sugar with bitters, drinking a beer upside down, holding my breath, jumping up and down and sticking 8 goddamned napkins in my mouth and 2 up my nostrils. Unfortunately nothing scares me but not getting rid of the God fucking hiccups.
So anyway my name is Frank Geiger, and I'm just your regular neurotic functioning alcoholic who doesn't have inoperable ass cancer or some big fucking deal to go ape shit over, but hey, everybody's got something to bitch about. Right? And I think it's good for the soul to get your shit off your chest. I always liked the idea of going to a shrink and paying the guy to unload on him. Only problem is who can afford $100 or $200 bucks an hour for a good dump? Not me. Not most guys. So my idea is for a fast food approach to psychiatry. A drive thru quick service shrink. Pull up to the window, spill your guts for a minute or 2, get a little advice and take off. Maybe it costs $5 or $10 bucks. With high volume that could add up. Before you know it's 8 million shrunk. I also think there should be cigarettes for sale. This sounds to me like a good idea, but what the fuck do I know? I can't even get rid of the goddamned hiccups.

Cheers,
Frank Geiger
Dayton OH

SHARYN SEZ:
Frank, it's letters like yours that make me question our policy of printing letters as they are written! You might want to try washing your mouth out with soap as a cure for those hicoughs of yours. I'll never understand why intelligent people such as yourself can't make better use of the Queen's English. Call me old fashioned but there must be some good reason why William Shakespeare and James Michener never had to resort to the "F" word to make a point. I don't mean to nag cause I love your idea--you just happened to hit on one of my pet peeves. Think about what I said. (By the way, Mother always said that the best way to rid yourself of the hicoughs was to imagine yourself in your own coffin. Hope that works for you!