GOOD RIDDANCE! BAD TRASH!

Hey Ladies,

My name is Pearl Elizabeth Ashloyd and I live in New Orleans at present. Everybody calls me SweetPea and everybody always has. I write country songs. Damned good ones I think. Everyday songs. Good drinkable vin ordinaire. Songs that strike a chord. Thus far I have not been discovered. Instead of rich and famous I am poor and barely visible but I am no ways given up. It's just a matter of time. I thought I'd send you ladies a song now and then. Who knows? Here's one that I wrote for Gretchen Wilson.

THE GOOD RID DANCE

Gave my heart to a loser for the very last time
Three strikes and I'm through with romance.
Now I'm out with my girls drinking Cuervo and lime,
And we're doing The Good Rid Dance.

Good riddance to Bad Trash!

We're a little bit high and we're laughing real loud
And we're thinkin' we'll move to France
Cause the trash that we trusted and married and kissed
Are getting The Good Rid Dance.

Good riddance to Bad Trash!

Put your hand on your hip and stick out your lip
Take two steps forward with a digital flip
Turn your back on the one that you adored
And march your ass right out the door.

Good Riddance to bad trash!

So I'm back to square one but I'm not undone
For you know I'll be takin' a chance (again)
But tonight I'm mad and drunk and sad
And I'm doing The Good Rid Dance.

RUG DRUG!

Dear Sir,
My idea is to invent a way to change the color of your wall-to-wall carpeting by just turning on a button or something or maybe sprinkling it with a powder of some kind. Not like spray paint. More like a chemical miracle.
In this way people could change the color of their carpeting very easy and they could change it more often than they could afford new carpeting.
Sincerely Yours,
Mrs. Joseph H. Connor
Utica New York

SHARYN SEZ: Our family room is carpeted in a fantasy patchwork quilt pattern that I created with hundreds of multi-colored carpet sample squares that I found in the dumpster behind Faye's CarpetWorld at the Mall. Fabulous and free!

PHUTURE PHONES!

PEOPLE,

I have some random good ideas for phone service that would seriously help a lot of people.
#1 THE AMBIANCE SCRAMBLER
This feature can change the background noises behind you. Like if you are supposed to be out bowling with your girlfriends but you are really out cruising with a guy, the AMBIANCE SCRAMBLER will fake the sounds of bowling alley noise over the phone so your mom or whoever will be totally clueless when you call to say you're gonna be late.
#2 THE AMBIANCE ERASER
This one totally wipes out background noise so if you're in a bar watching a hockey game or something and you've gotta call your mom or whoever you can wipe out loud bar noise. Then you could use the scramble feature to give the sound of girls talking and watching American Idol or whatever. How could she have a problem with that?
#3 THE VOICE DISGUISER
This feature would probably cost the most, but you could totally disguise your voice to sound like anyone in your contact list. Like last week I got in trouble cause I bleached my girlfriend Cheryl's hair. It looked really good, but her mom freaked and called my mom and we both got killed. If I had the voice disguiser then I would have pretended that I was my mom and only Cheryl would have got killed.

I believe these phone feature ideas would also be a big hit with adults who don't want husbands/ wives/ bosses/ friends or parents to know where they are when they are out. When you're out, you're out. Period.

Thanks,

Tanya Nagy

CARYN SEZ: Yakketty Yak, I must talk back. STOP LYING TO YOUR MOTHER OR YOU'LL BURN IN HELL! But seriously, what are you doing in a bar?

ALOHA, GIRLFRIENDS!

Aloha, Girlfriends!!

You've been wondering about me, haven't you? New York being what it is anything could happen to a poor girl all alone and on the streets and all that. Even though we've never met I feel like you deux are my best friends so I don't mind telling you that this life is killing me...but what a way to go! Jesus wept!

I got thrown out of my apartment due to a silly misunderstanding with my landlord so take note of my new address and please send me a copy of Issue #42 which got damaged in the fire. I'm dancing in a bookstore and I'm going to be starring in a film.

So I couldn't sleep the other day. I'm so insomniac! So I'm thinking about Margaret Rutherford and I'm thinking I do not want to be a hunchback. So I get to thinking why not put a shitload of calcium in the glue on envelopes and cure that nasty osteoporosis epidemic? Maybe I'd pay my bills if I thought there was some nutritional value in it. Et vous aussi?

Ta Ta for now. Do you think if I came out your way I could crash at your place for a couple of days? I'm no trouble. Let me know.

Love and sticky kisses,
The Unforgettable
Vic DeBussey

ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

Kind Editors,

My insignificant idea can be truly appreciated only by those who have suffered the lifelong social deprivation that is the agony of the only child. My true brothers and sisters.
My father was a traveling salesman given more to travel than to sales. Mother was a delicate creature with nerves like bone porcelain. I was the only spawn of their union, a scrawny, nervous child much given to hiding in the cedar chest. It was there in moth free splendour that I first concocted a vision of my proposed idea--the Automatic Jump Rope Turner.
Imagine...jump rope for all children,not just those with two friends. Even now I can remember the many hours I spent crouched in the chest dreaming of what my sorry life would be like with this wonderful contraption. Why I'd have learned all the chants and all the tricks and become a regular jump rope marvel. How different things might have been. Sometimes I still climb in my sweet smelling childhood retreat and dream about it.
Thank you for allowing me to share my dream. I stayed up most of last night trying to sketch my invention, but it was flawed...flawed. I could not send it for publication. Perhaps sometime in the future. I adore your publication.

Very Truly Yours,
Miss Deirdre Fennerty
Charleston, North Carolina

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!

LADIES:

MY IDEA IS TO INVENT A BOX ATTACHED TO YOUR TV SET THAT WOULD ADMINISTER A LITTLE ELECTRICAL SHOCK TO PEOPLE ON TV SHOWS LIKE FOR ME REGIS PHILBIN BARBARA WALTERS AND KATIE COURIC. FOR MY WIFE BRETT MICHAELS THE NEW YORK HOUSEWIVES AND OPRAH'S FRIEND GAIL. YOU PICK. A LITTLE SHOCK. NOT PAINFUL BUT NOT GOOD EITHER.

GEORGE PERROTT
LINCOLN NEBRASKA

SHARYN SEZ: George, just tell me where to send the check! I'd also like to have one for the dashboard of my car that I could point to certain other drivers on the road who should not be allowed on the streets. I'd also like to regulate the shock from barely there to steam cleaned brains. Oh, I wish! Good idea!

The American Living Room Pageant

Dear Editors,

Everybody loves Reality Shows and Beauty Pageants, right? Wouldn't you just love to see The American Living Room Pageant? It would be the ultimate decorating contest for Joe and Josephine Six Pack. Furniture, drapes, plants, knick knacks, carpeting, shelf
display, crafts--everything that makes a living room special would be judged by the viewing audience of America. And these would be REAL living rooms with REAL families who would also participate by maybe coordinating their clothes to the living rooms or sharing entertaining and seasonal decorating tips. Everybody would love this show! I have enclosed a photo of my pride and joy and I would like to be the host or a contestant.

Forever Yours,

Mrs. Harlene Rayback

BED ON THE TRACKS

This bed is made for someone who lives in a large place and is very lazy or morbidly obese or has movement limitations. The bed is on a track and the tracks lead to all the important places in the house. In the back of the bed is a crank that when cranked propels the bed along the track paths. It could also be jet or electricity or fuel propelled but that makes it much more complicated.

Thank you,
Maurice Hasselbach
Monongheheala PA

HICCUPS AND HELP!

For the Idea Guys,
The reason, and I apologize that this is written on a cocktail napkin, is because I'm sitting in a bar and I have hiccups. First of all I wish somebody would write in with a way to lose the fucking hiccups. Thus far I've tried eating a teaspoon of sugar with bitters, drinking a beer upside down, holding my breath, jumping up and down and sticking 8 goddamned napkins in my mouth and 2 up my nostrils. Unfortunately nothing scares me but not getting rid of the God fucking hiccups.
So anyway my name is Frank Geiger, and I'm just your regular neurotic functioning alcoholic who doesn't have inoperable ass cancer or some big fucking deal to go ape shit over, but hey, everybody's got something to bitch about. Right? And I think it's good for the soul to get your shit off your chest. I always liked the idea of going to a shrink and paying the guy to unload on him. Only problem is who can afford $100 or $200 bucks an hour for a good dump? Not me. Not most guys. So my idea is for a fast food approach to psychiatry. A drive thru quick service shrink. Pull up to the window, spill your guts for a minute or 2, get a little advice and take off. Maybe it costs $5 or $10 bucks. With high volume that could add up. Before you know it's 8 million shrunk. I also think there should be cigarettes for sale. This sounds to me like a good idea, but what the fuck do I know? I can't even get rid of the goddamned hiccups.

Cheers,
Frank Geiger
Dayton OH

SHARYN SEZ:
Frank, it's letters like yours that make me question our policy of printing letters as they are written! You might want to try washing your mouth out with soap as a cure for those hicoughs of yours. I'll never understand why intelligent people such as yourself can't make better use of the Queen's English. Call me old fashioned but there must be some good reason why William Shakespeare and James Michener never had to resort to the "F" word to make a point. I don't mean to nag cause I love your idea--you just happened to hit on one of my pet peeves. Think about what I said. (By the way, Mother always said that the best way to rid yourself of the hicoughs was to imagine yourself in your own coffin. Hope that works for you!

WELCOME BILL (CAPT. G)!!!!

Dear Very Special Person
I just finished reading my first copy of your Newsletter FROM COVER TO COVER. It must be very nearly morning because lights out was a very long time ago but I read crouched over on the floor by the night light and every word made a loud EXPLOSION in my brain. This is brilliant like a fire like the perfect balance of a million angels on my head. NEVER BEFORE HAVE I FELT SO FREE OR SO CLOSE TO ANYONE. YOU ARE TRULY A VISIONARY MAGNETICALLY DRAWING A TRIBE OF PROPHETS TO YOUR SIDES. Prophets of Ideas PROFITS OF IDEAS Prophets of PROFITS PRO FITS The sparks I can SEE the sparks and my hands are shakinginginging. My brain is being crushed by millions of ideas Where do I start??? THE NEW COLORS Powervision INTERNAL EYEGLASSES The Electric Shock Running Shoes Ideas are all I have but what else is there? THE LIARS SIREN Hearing Aids that DON"T WORK!!! Mystery Gloves CITIES OF PAIN I am going to catalogue them get them all in order so I don't hurt myself. I've got a lot to say. For now send me two subscriptions right away and every issue that I've missed. Send one subscription to me and one to Captain Gus D'Antonio so they don't get suspicious. My ideas will begin flowing to your beloved publication immediately. I love you so!!!

Mr. William Bostitch
Haverford State Mental Hospital

SHARON SEZ: Hi there Bill and welcome to the Idea Ladies family. As all my friends and neighbors and co-workers know I make no bones about my own little psychorama episode in my teens that ended up with me winning an all-expense paid vacation at La Farm de Fun! Anybody can crack up (I prefer that to break down!) if they have to deal with too much stress. My visit to La Casa de Crackers came right after my own sweet Mercy was born right before the Prom, and, oh well, that's water under the bridge, but it's not easy to go to your Prom with an infant instead of a date! Just saying I understand, my friend! Keep on writing!

WAX POETIC!!!

Dear Viewers!
There is so much ear wax in the world! Well I have a great solution to this problem. First go to your local CVS and pick up a waxy spoon (tm). Then go home and get a bowl. After you get that all set up then take the spoon out of the very confusing package. Then one scoop by one scoop import the ear wax from your ear into the bowl. This may take several episodes. You should have a generous amount in your bowl. Then you should take it and roll it into an inch thick layer of wax. When you're done you should take some string and put it into the center of your sheet. Then roll it all up evenly. Now you should pull all of the lumps out of the outside of your candle. You never know...they might be a bug, a hair or even some dried catsup. Roll it up lengthily. Now you can sell your candle on Ebay. You have had manyaccomplishments. 1. You cleaned your filthy ears. 2. You helped the godforsaken economy by spending some money. 3. You've learned how to use Ebay. 4. You've made money off of ear wax. All in all I'd say you've won. I will send in other ideas on what to do with ear wax.

Only to serve,

Inkie Frobisher
None of your business

FART FREE UNDERWEAR BY RIPCO

THESE TECHNILOGICLY ADVANCED UNDIES DESIGNED WITH A PRESSURE SENSITIVE CIRCUITERY IN THE SOFT POLYESTER PILE WHICH WHEN TRIGGERED BY ANY DEGREE OF FLATULANCE A PLEASANT SCENT IS EMMITTED INTO THE FOREMENTIONED VICINITY ENGULFING ANY CAPRILIC ODORS BEFORE THEY WOULD LEAVE YOUR PANTS. WHAT A PLEASURE TO KNOW YOU CAN FART IN PEACE. COMES IN A VARIETY OF FRAGRANCES COUNTRY FLOWER, MUSKY LEMON, PINE FOREST FLOOR. A SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH BY RIPCO.

MECHANICAL DOG PURSE

Dear Girls,

I have been mugged 3 times in 5 years in my South Philly neighborhood. I am a retired widow of 16 years living on a fixed income. I don't have much and I have noticed that the kids who are mugging are wearing better clothes than the poor people they attack. I have an idea for a thief proof pocketbook. It is a way to hide your valuables on the street from the dirty criminals. My idea is a mean robot dog that runs on batteries and opens up into a regular pocketbook. You walk it on a leash so it doesn't matter how heavy it is. And it attacks when you say so. I would invest the little money I have set aside if this idea could happen. Thank you.

Domenica Salvatore
St. Monica's Parish
Philadelphia

DISGUSTING DOORKNOBS!

To Whom It May Concern:

I don't like touching doorknobs. I believe the doorknob could be the single greatest transmitter of contagious disease. The thought of the countless dirty, fecal ridden, calloused, festering sores--I get nauseous just thinking of it. And don't many others feel the same? I don't trust those anti-bacterial things. How do I know they work? So I have taken to wearing multiple rubber gloves on my hands. After every doorknob encounter I remove and discard one. In between doorknobs I cover my protective system with white cotton gloves so as not to attract unwanted attention. Quite satisfactory. I decided to share my system as a random act of kindness.

Yours,
Martin Hausmann

BAG PACK

Dear IDEAS,
I have arthuritis very bad in my hands and I have an idea that would help me out quite a lot. When I go to the market I can only buy a little at a time because the heavy bags hurt my hands. I am not old or weak I just can't carry a heavy load anymore. I think they could make grocery bags with extra straps so I could carry it on my back like one of those back packs. I tried to draw a picture so you could see what I mean. Good for carrying 3 bags. Thank you for letting me share this idea. I hope somebody in the bag business is listening.

Sincerely,
A. Terra

WORMS CRAWL AT NIGHT

Night crawlers are a lot smarter than people think. I cannot spit out the details here but if you know what I'm talking about and you know who you are and if you want to get rich and all by next summer without spending anything but a little bit of money and time then I am your man.

Peabo Flint
Lake Veasey Maine


SHARYN SEZ:
My husband Stan (Bach) is a fisherman's fisherman. I swear that man would rather stand in a cold muddy stream before dawn than make love to his wife. Now that's a real fisherman for you. We always keep one shelf in our fridge for Stan's live bait. I use coffee cans for the eggshell and manure enriched soil that's the final home to Stan's crawlers. Best be careful making coffee in my house!

PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHTER

Listen. The only reason I'm writing this stupid letter is because I'm really pissed off. Today I almost killed some stupid kid because I was trying to light my cigarette with an asshole car lighter. And this wasn't the first time!!! Tell me this. How are you supposed to get a cigarette out of the pack and put it in your mouth and push in your lighter and stick the end into the little red hole without using both eyes??? And then your supposed to drive too. Its completely insane. So my idea which is pretty damn obvious if you ask me is to build an electronic cigarette lighter in the dashboard that you put your pack of smokes into when your driving and when you want one it lights automatically when you pull one from the pack. Its so simple that even I can't believe somebody hasn't thought of it. I don't even want anything for the stupid idea. Just somebody do it and make a million fucking dollars. I just don't want to kill somebody. (This guy Scott drew the weird cigarette drawing.)

Angie McLaughlin
Philadelphia PA

PS. Here's another free idea. You know what is really stupid? Nurses and doctors wearing light uniforms. If they wore black uniforms you wouldn't always be getting grossed out by the blood and shit that gets all over them. I just had to say that.

Happy Face Hamburger Patties

Hello Again Karyn and Sharyn,

Thanks for printing my recipe ideas for children and adults of all ages. Here is a new one.

HAPPY FACE HAMBURGER PATTIES

Cook a nice big burger pattie. I cook mine with an ice cube in the center to keep them moist!
Add 2 pickle chip eyes. I like bread and butter. Dot the pickle chips with mustard so Pattie is looking straight ahead.
Draw a ketchup nose round like a happy clown.
Your never fully dressed without a smile. Make Pattie's with half an onion ring.

My family loves these cause they add a little sunshine to your life. Don't forget to thank the Lord every day for the good meat and pickles and fresh onions.

Next time I'll be sending Pickaninny Marshmallow Treats. Bless you.

Dot Fritchie
Glen Burnie, Illinois

SWEETY ON A LEASH

GENTLEMEN,

I made a leash for my pet canary. Her name is Sweety and that is because she is a sweetheart. The collar is a velcro strip that fits snugly over her downy little neck and the leash is a length of pretty yellow ribbon that I can change according to her moods or seasonal holidays. You could use regular twine or perhaps something knitted or crocheted. One note--not too heavy. Challenging but not daunting.

We get a lot of positive feedback. We enjoy the attention.

Ira and Sweety
Pleasantville New Jersey

ALOHA! IDEA FEMMES!

Aloha, Idea Femmes! I've got to introduce myself. I am a dancer. I live in Manhattan. Sometimes I act in films. I am Vic DeBussy.

I feel like I already know you. This is so weird. I picked up your paper or whatever it is in the Port Authority last night after work at the Squirrel's Tale. You have to come and see me sometime--my routine is too many things. You must be thinking what is this guy talking about but I want to know more about you. I wish that phone would stop ringing. I'm thinking that there might be a beer in the fridge or maybe some Dulce de Leche. I'm stretching a pair of Size 11 thigh high boots--OUCH! Let me get a cigarette...I just had an idea.

Your papier is too fabulous for color TV. I can't believe what a scream it is. It's way too many things. You two are really on a mish! By the way what do you really look like? I know you are not those two Grandmeres I'm seeing. I have too many ideas. You'll be hearing from me soon, but I'll probably be moving next week so I'll get back in touch after Le Move. I might move to the country or out your way. IDK a damn thang. I'm doing a fashion show tomorrow night I wish you could come. I have some ideas I want to discuss with you. Good ideas.

Love and Money,

Vic DeBussy