Elvis Presley For Christsakes!

Okay Idea Hags,
   Just kidding, I love you. Anyway, I holed up in my apartment over the holidays and watched every single Elvis film--not for the first time. I'm a serious Elvis affionado, in fact I think I'm an expert, in fact I think I'm writing a book, in fact I think I know more about the REAL King than almost anybody. So I'm sharing here. Just a taste. I'm giving you--FOR FREE-- a bit of Elvisiana. Every name of every character in every Elvis film. ENJOY.

Love Me Tender--Clint
Loving You--Deke Rivers
Jailhouse Rock--Vince Everett
King Creole--Danny Fisher
GI Blues--Tulsa McLean
Flaming Star--Pacer Burton
Wild In The Country--Glenn Tyle
Blue Hawaii--Chad Gates
Follow That Dream--Toby Kwimper
Kid Galahad--Walter Gulick
Girls! Girls! Girls!--Ross Carpenter
It Happened At The World's Fair--Mike  Edwards
Fun In Acapulco--Mike Windgren
Kissin' Cousins--Josh Morgan
Viva Las Vegas--Lucky Jordan (or Jackson)
Roustabout--Charlie Rogers
Girl Happy--Rusty Wells
Tickle Me--Lonnie Beale
Harum Scarum--Johnny Tyrone
Frankie and Johnny--Johnny
Paradise Hawaiian Style--Rick Richards
SpinOut--Mike McCoy
Easy Come Easy Go--Ted Jackson
Clambake--Scott Haywood
Stay Away Joe--Joe Lightcloud
Speedway--Steve Grayson
Live A Little Love A Little--Greg
Charro--Jesse Wade
The Trouble With Girls--Walter Hale
Change of Habit--Dr. John Carpenter

Okay, Assholes, I am the Elvis Queen.
I'm gonna write a book.

Angie McLaughlin

NOTHING 2 READ

Hi Ladies,
   It's me again. These tough times seem to get my creative juices flowing. This song came to me in the middle of the night last night, and I scribbled it down in my little black book this morning in church. Really. Don't laugh. I need all the help I can get. Anyway, nothings really improved in SweetPeaLand, but I'm feeling a little better about life though you wouldn't know it from this song. Anyway here goes. Please get in touch with me if you'd like to record it country stars.

NOTHING 2 READ

Nothing to read
Nothing to eat
No one to call
No where to go
Don't have a friend
And there's nothing to read.

Everything's fine
And everything's fine
And everything's fine
And everything's wrong.

Everything's mine
And everything's mine
And everything's mine
And everything's gone.

Something is missing
Something is wrong
Nothing is right
Not even this song
Something I'm doin' ain't working out right.
Days are so short and my life's filled with night
Can't find a prayer
I can't kneel down and plead
But my life is a mess  and there's nothing to read.

Okay Ladies. Let's get this song published. I was thinking it might be fun to have heat this winter.
Yours,
SweetPea





 
 

THE FURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

I am a Plush Lush! A furry, fluffy pile of plushy love! I am part of a happy little subculture that is a peace and fun loving group that is held in very low esteem by the non-Plushophile world! Well, I'm going to change all that by standing up for all my furry friends, the last, most discriminated group in America. And why? We don't hurt anyone. We just like to go fursuiting with our friends in our zoot suits. We love plush and toons and gentle forest creatures. In the words of my BFF "we snuggle and huggle and tuggle our buggles!"And there's not a darn thing wrong with that. So I have decided to start an organization called The Fursuit of Happiness, dedicated to the proposition that Plushophiles are entitled to full rights and respect. I'm not sure what my next step is, but today's the day I'm standing up for me and mine. I'll be back in touch soon.
Meeko Prince
The Glade In the Forest

ERAD-I-CAT!

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. I LOVE BUNNIES AND CHILDREN AND OPRAH, ESPECIALLY BUNNIES. I JUST HATE CATS. JUST WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? I'VE BEEN WORKING ON A CAT REMOVAL SYSTEM CALLED ERAD-I-CAT! I'VE GOT A LOT OF IDEAS FOR SIMPLE EASY PAINLESS CAT REMOVAL LIKE THE COMBUST-I-CAT AND THE DE-CAT-ALIZER AND THE CAT-O-VAC. THERE'S PLENTY MORE AND ALSO DETAILS IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO INVEST IN MY IDEA. WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE??? NOTHING LIKE BUNNIES.
LOVE AND BUNNEEZ,
ROGER SMITH JONES
WHEELING W VA

SHARYN SEZ: I hope you're kidding or maybe just temporarily insane, Roger. You would love my Miss Felicity. I love Oprah too!

MARTI COHEN HAS NO IDEAS!

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM MARTI COHEN TO THE WORLD!!!
I, Marti Cohen, do not have a single good original idea. For my whole life I have been pretending to be the kind of person that my mother wanted me to be--the kind of person who is constantly coming up with good ideas and straight As and a perfect marriage and happy children and a clean house and all that horseshit. Well, I want to tell the whole world, including my mother, that I am NOT that kind of person. Every single good idea I ever had was stolen or a bad idea pretending to be a good idea. It was all a lie and a fake and that person is dead and gone. Meet the new Marti Cohen. No more lies. No more fake good ideas. I don't need good ideas to maintain my self esteem anymore. I like me...no ideas and all. Marti Cohen is a beautiful human being whether she brings anything to the party or not.
Thank you,
Marti Cohen

No Guns No Hate No Violence!

I been thinking about nonviolent robberies where someone who just want to make a robbery but do not want to hurt nobody or take a rap for armed robbery could maybe carry a big ugly scary pet snake like a boa convector and get cashiers who are women to turn over all the money without no violence at all. As best as I can know there is no law that says no body can carry around his pet snake so this could really work good.

Shabazz Africa
Holmesburg State Penitentiary

QUIT YOUR MYSTERIOUS WAYS!

Hey Ladies,
   It's me, SweetPea, checking in from my messed up life in the Big Easy, which ain't so fuckin' easy these days. Still no big break for your gal but I'm bartending at the Apple Barrel and singing on some open mike nights around town. I do believe the suffering is improving my songs. Here's a new one I wrote last week at the end of a really swell day.


MYSTERIOUS WAYS

I'm outta cash
My job is gone
And worry fuels my days.
My kids are wild
My husband cheats
Christ, quit your mysterious ways.

I don't get dressed
I'm way too stressed
And my Ma would kill me if I confessed
I drink a quart of gin most days
My life's a mess
Off track I guess
Please quit your mysterious ways.

I'm a church goin' gal
Been all my life
Wanna be a good woman and mother and wife,
But the way the Lord's movin' fills my heart with strife
Your mysterious ways
Are ruinin' my life.

So I'm kneelin' down Lord
Got the focus on You
When I party I parties
When I pray I prays
My life's in a whirl
Down the toilet it swirls
Please stop movin' my life
With Mysterious Ways!

That's all I got today.
Love and Money,
SweetPea
NOLA       
   
        

DEAR CARMELLA,

TO THE ATTENTION OF THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THE KINDS OF BOOKS AND RADIO PROGRAMS AND TELEVISION SHOWS THAT HELP PEOPLE TO MAKE HAPPIER LIVES FOR THEMSELVES WITH GOD'S HELP!
Dear Sir,
   My name is Carmella Pagliacetti. I am a 66 year old widow, a devoted Mother, a good Catholic and 11 times a Grandmother. All my life since I am a little girl I am able to solve people's problems. "Carmella, what should I do?" "Carmella, what's wrong with me?" Carmella, this. Carmella, that. And always the Holy Spirit whispers in my ear what to say. "Aunt Rosa, beg Uncle ChooChoo for forgiveness, make a big fish dinner and make the First Fridays for the rest of your life." "Sal, you gotta stop thinking about that dirty whore with immoral thoughts. Go to Mr. Gentilli and beg his forgiveness and ask for Little Theresa's hand in Holy Matrimony." "Lena, you will never get yourself a husband if you don't stop stuffing your mouth like a pig. Beg the Blessed Mother for forgiveness for your gluttony and fast like Our Lord Jesus did in the desert."
   Always my advice works. Ask anybody in South Philly in St. Monica's parish. So what I'm thinking is, the Jews have that Dr. Laura and the protestants have big mouth Dr. Phil, but who have the Catholics, especially the Italian Catholics have?
   I am writing this letter because the Holy Spirit whispered in my ear that I should, and I am the handmaiden of the Holy Spirit. I would like to steer the sinning masses away from near occasions of sin and lead them to Christ. Please print this letter exactly as He made me write it. Thank you.
Mrs. Carmella Pagliacetti
PS The photo was taken on the occasion of my senior prom in 1953 at St, Maria Goretti High School. I went with my dead husband Al. I look much the same.

IDEA #1

Dear VERY SPECial PeRsOn,
   This is it. (Take that Michael Jackson!) Right now. My first idea written down in my blood for you. THAT IS A VICIOUS LIE! It is NOT my blood, but blood is blood is blood...blood...am I spelling that right? BLOOD. It looks funny, but I don't have a dictionary anymore. Once I ate the first 73 pages of Little Women and now I can't read in bed anymore. But be it BLUD or BLOOD or Bloudor Plasmicide the sentiment remains the same. INTENSE. VERY VERY INTENSE.
IDEA # 1
   My first idea is for a soap opera all about one person. Let's call him Walter. Walter is a very interesting guy from a very small town who suffers from multiple personality complex. An extreme complex. Thirty-seven personalities all living and loving, laughing and crying, fucking and killing inside Walter. The thirty-seven personalities are Claude Father alcoholic minister and husband of ex-stripper Patricia Barker parents of JoJo bedwetting dog lover married to Nina Mango Barker the fat pig and Tommy Barker their millionaire singer son and he's got a girlfriend named Flavor who's having an affair with her brother Bud who works for Mr. Jonestown a scary monster who sells hot dogs to the three good school kids Luke Poppy and Little Tiny and their teacher is Miss Teacher who lives next door to the terrible child molester Lieutenant Adolph who always sneaks around because his twin sister Saint Catherine publicly humiliates him by sexing up the town's mayor Mr. Rightson who hates the Barkers because they ran over his best friend Old Black Tom who cleans the office of Dick Richard the worm livered decaying Chief of Policew whose wife Lulu won't stop buying pineapples from the Korean grocer DucTapeLo and his wife ChinUpHi and their cousin Serena and her invisible friend Ward Warrior who pretends she is a cat and sleeps in the window of Curby Kirby who would like to kill Sid Como who wishes he weren't an Italian Jew who has to support his eight deaf dumb retarded paraplegic children Frankie, Joey, Soupy, Dino, Jerry, Petey, Shirley and Angie. They are not really retarded. They just PRETEND TO BE.
   There is a lot more to this story than I can tell tonight. I am running out of RED INK. (CODE)
   Since all of these characters have to be played by one actor it really keeps the audience on their toes and it also keeps production costs really low. BOFFO!
   This is only #1 of THOUSANDS.  GOOD GOD!!!

William "Bill Bostitch
Haverford State Casa de Crackers

PUPPY POOPER

Hey there Idea Ladies,
   You know my little baby doll told me about this here magazine and at first I got a real good chuckle at her and sat down to watch the tube and have a little snackeroo like I always do even though the old bod is growing a couple of them there love handles that you read about guys getting if you know what I mean...but I'm getting away from my main point that I got to say so I sat down with my ice cream and some of them pretzels that are dipped in chocolate that I like so much and started to watch Dancing With the Stars. Don't those dancers just about kill you and all but I couldn't pay attention because I'm thinking about what my honey doll told me and you know before I'm even done my ice cream I had to find my pen and some letter paper and write you about this idea I been thinking over for about 10 years or more cause the missus and me got a couple of poodles that are real cute as far as dogs go if you know what I mean but don't tell my baby doll I said that cause she loves those little pups like they was her own kids if you know what I mean. But I'm always thinking that having dogs would be a whole lot easier if you didn't always have to be walking them in the weather if you catch my meaning. So how come you couldn't invent a doggie toilet that would be like a ground level kind of bowl with a drain kind of build that would turn on by the weight of a number 1 or a number 2 and you'd get an automatic flush? If you can train them to roll over and play dead and all you could train them to go on the doggie toilet maybe with little treats or something. You know what I'm saying? This could be a really good deal I'm thinking. So at least I got it off my chest so I can go back to the tube and finish my treat.
Good Luck To You,
George Whooley
Evanston Illinois

TO MY MYSTERY GIRLS

To My Mystery Girls,
   This is Vic, your Pussycat Queen. I hope you are feeling delicious. I know I am. I'm staying in BelAir and I really wish we could get together. You can come anytime and hang out. I'm residing at the home of a recognizable celebrity, and she says you can come anytime (you wish!) I bet you would get along with her really great. She needs some new ideas. Okay. Here's my this week idea. I think you should be able to get a flu shot or a vitamin shot from the mailman...or how about the liquor store? My friend really wants to meet you. She doesn't believe in exercise. Some guy comes and changes her blood. IMAGINE! She really wants to meet you. I should be moving to Paris soon. I might be working with Roman  Polanski and Johnny Depp. Real talent. I'll let you know where I am staying. Keep sending my subscription to Nueva York. Dido will forward it to me wherevere I am. Do something special for yourselves today.
Always interested in you,
Your friend,
Vic DeBussey

SINGLES SYNERGY SYSTEM

   SH*T! I can hardly believe that I'm doing this again, but I started to think, and I got another great idea. Okay. Is there anything worse than when you go to a singles bar or a club and you've got to ask a thousand assholes, "What's your name? What do you do? What do you drive? What do you make? Are you worth my time?" and a thousand other stupid questions. It makes my eyes roll, and sometimes I yawn and daydream about binge drinking. But I have to do it and so does everybody else who wants to hook up with someone semi-interesting and acceptable. What if everybody's answers were available online and clubs had computer stations where you could check out prospective hook-ups without actually having to make eye contact or speak. (I guess some kind of ID is necessary.) This would save me and everybody a whole lot of time and be less boring and embarrassing--for losers especially. I think it would be great.
Angie McLaughlin
PS I also think it would be very cool if you didn't have to wear the same shoe on both feet. I'd like the option to buy singles.
PPS That guy who wants to meet me sounds like a real downer, but I'd be willing to read his answers to the previously mentioned questions. Without making eye contact. I doubt he'd make the grade, but...I'm a very open minded girl.

MONEY MAGIC!

HEY GALS,
ITS MAMA KITTY KAT MANDIEU COMIN' BACK AT YA! YOU KNOW ME--I'M THE SEER WITH THE BEER. HA! THE TIPSY GYPSY. HA! HA! MAMA'S HAD A FEW, BUT SHE WANTED TO SEND SOMEOTHER WORKIN' MAGIC TO MY GALS AND THEIR FOLLOWERS.
EVERYBODYS BROKE. EVERYBODY NEEDS HELP. MAMA TO THE RESCUE.
FIRST, IF YOU CAN'T SELL YOUR HOUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY, TRY THIS. GET A LITTLE STATUE OF ST. JOSEPH, STEP DADDY TO THE LITTLE BABY JESUS. SAY A PRAYER TO ST. JOE, THEN BURY HIM UPSIDE DOWN IN YOUR FRONT YARD FACING THE HOUSE. (THAT'S IMPORTANT.) WALK AROUND THE SPOT THREE TIMES EVERY DAY AND SAY, "PLEASE SAINT JOE, MAKE THIS HOUSE GO." THAT'S ALL. HOUSE SOLD SOON. REMEMBER TO DIG UP THE LITTLE SAINT AND GIVE HIM A PLACE OF HONOR IN YOUR NEW HOUSE.
MAMA KITTY KAT PRAYS TO ALL THE GODS AND GODDESSES AND ANGELS AND SAINTS. THIS IS A PRAYER TO THE BEAUTIFUL GODDESS LAKSHMI WHO IS THE HINDU GODDESS OF PROSPERITY AND ABUNDANCE. SHE IS SPARKLY PRETTY WITH JEWELS AND ELEPHANTS. JUST LAST WEEK SHE THREW A GOLD COIN AT MY HEAD FROM THE HEAVENS. I SWEAR TO YOU IT IS TRUE. HERE'S A LITTLE CHANT TO THE LOVELY LAKSHMI THAT WILL FATTEN YOUR WALLET.
INDRA UVACHA
NAMASAYE SARVA LOKANAM
JANANIM ABJA SAMBHAVAM
SHRIYAM UNIDRA PADMAKSIM
VISHNOR VAKSHAH STHALA SHTITAM.
ALSO EAT BLACK EYED PEAS AND THINK OF THE TASTE OF MONEY.
ALSO GIVE SOME MONEY TO EVERYONE WHO ASKS...COULD BE AN ANGEL IN DISGUISE.
ALSO GIVE THANKS FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU DON'T HAVE THAT YOU DON'T WANT.

MAMA LOVES YOU,
MAMA KITTY KAT MANDIEU

HEAD SMACKING SONIC OSCILLATOR

Dear Idea Family,
Try this on for size. Introducing the Head Smacking Sonic Oscillator, a remote control device that lets me (or you) administer a sharp slap to the forehead of anyone you deem needs one. Those who ignore the rules of common courtesy--what hope for a being who doesn't comprehend the notion of alternate merge? Hideous and unforgivable fashion faux pas. Litterers. The rude, the loud, the insistent. A little reminder for the criminally annoying. And the HSSO is completely remote control so the recipient never knows who they've offended and there is no chance of ugly retribution. It is safe and easy to operate once you get the hang of it. Send for details if you agree that "To Each His Own" is a misguided sentiment.

Watch Your Step,
Toby Black
Boston MA

PS I would like to correspond with Angie McLaughlin. She seems to be my kind of woman.
How can I arrange this?

SHARYN SEZ, HI TOBY AND WELCOME TO THE FAMILY! ANGIE IS A HOOT--SHE JUST SENT ME SOME MORE GREAT IDEAS THAT I'LL POST SOON. LOTS OF IDEA LADIES FANS WOULD LIKE TO CONNECT. WE'LL HAVE TO WORK ON A SAFE AND FUN WAY TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

SUREAL CEREAL

I HAVE A BRAND NEW UNIQUE MOST FABULOUS IDEA FOR AN ADULT BREAKFAST CEREAL...

SUREAL!!!! THE BREAKFAST OF PSYCHOPATHS AND POST MODERNISTS! SO CRUNCHY YOU'LL BE DAZED AND CONFUSED.

PS I HAVE THE RECIPE.

JERE

WAKE THE FUCK UP!

Dear IdeoLady,
You know what makes me crazy? All these egghead types getting paid a ton for there dumb ideos. I work for an architextual company, but I'm not an engineer unless you count the sanatational type. Well I got a ton of good ideas and if I went to college I'd probably be working for a Nasa think tank or Washington dc there. Heres a couple of my good ideas. They just happen to be both of them alarm clocks.

Tilt-A-Bed Alarm
This bed tilts slowly from a regular horizontal position to a stand up vertical position. It will take about 20 minutes and stand up for 1 hour.

The Hit-And-Run Accident Alarm
This ones a little more action packed for the really hard to wake up. The headboard looks like a 1965 Buick Special. Black. The poor sucker sleeping there will wake up to screeching brakes headlights horn honking glass breaking. You get the picture. Wake up Sunshine. To stop it you gotta get up and stay up for 30 minutes. Pretty good huh?

If someone wants to buy these ideas they can reach me at

William DeGroot
Baltimore MD

JAILHOUSE TATTOO QUEEN

To Who It Concerns
I never knew how many fucked up looney birds were out there until I seen your paper. One good thing it makes me glad I'm locked up. You good law abiding A-holes are crazier than anybody in here. Here is Munsey Correctional Center. The Hen House. I hear you wondering what I did so I'll tell you not that its any of your business. I fed my husband poison egg nog on Christmas Eve 1988. You like that? He was my second husband. The first one died suddenly on July 4 1980. We had an explosion. Your so smart you figure it out.
When I checked in here in 1990 I shared a crib with some crazy fucking old bull dike name of Cheek who did jailhouse tattoos. You need a needle and thread. I make my own die. So then Cheek choked to death on one of her own needles, Easter Sunday 1994, after she taught me everything she knew. I carried on the torch and today I am the greatest skin artist in any prison anywhere. My mark is on almost every bird who come through this joint for the last 15 years.
Lately I've been experimenting with floresent dies that I make myself and I also have invented a scratch and sniff tat. Right now I'm working on art with invisible ink. I make the ink myself. And anniversary tattoos for anybody with an anniversary worth remembering. I'd like to do a book of my designs. I also think there is a good movie in my life. If anyone wants me to work on them tell them to get locked up in Delaware County. No cry babies.

Dead serious,
Babe Broderick
Munsey CC

MY LIFE'S AN OPEN BOOK

FRIENDS,
Painful though it may be, think about the aftermath of your death. Stories about the highlights of your life--or perhaps just the low lights. Your earthly goods are fought over and distributed--or discarded! Your family talks about you occasionally, but the stories are getting muddled. You become a dead person. Your progeny tries to remember your first name. Oblivion.
Of course, not everyone has this problem. Not Michael Jackson or Frank Sinatra or Marilyn Monroe. Not anyone who is important enough to have a biographer. Their life stories are preserved forever. Bound.
Why not your life story? Your biography. Hundreds of pages. With photos. Bound in fine engraved Corinthian leather. An eternal gift for the loved ones, admirers and frenemies you leave behind.
A respected, published biographer (Misunderstood--The Bob Crane Story, Anna Nicole Smith--The Once and Future Blond and Jerry Lee Lewis--Dead or Alive?) will write your story. The finished volume will be printed and bound by The Ye Olde Connecticut Library Press. The ultimate last gift to your loved ones. Or the next to the last. Great memento for retirement affairs or 80th birthday parties. For only six monthly payments of $109.99. For more details write today so we can write tomorrow.
Biographically Yours,

Ye Olde Connecticut Library
Post Office Box 703
Pierre, South Dakota

Cincinnati Dish Rag!

ATTENTION READERS!
Make way for The Cincinnati Dish Rag! The Rag is your forum for publicly registering complaints that may not warrant legal action but nevertheless make your ass burn. I'm talking about the little things in life that make you want to kill somebody with your bare teeth. Like the incredible vanishing waitress at the Fill Your Belly Deli who is younger than you and calls you "Hon" when she brings your side of mayo with dessert. Or the landlord who crazy glues your locks shut just because you call L & I on him. How about art openings? Or artists? Or art? Or the elderly but decidedly dangerous guy next door who doesn't speak English and keeps his kitchen dinette set in the empty parking space outside of your house so you can't park there and he doesn't even own a car?? Anything that makes you crazy. Moron sales clerks. Rip-off dry cleaners. For a measly $3 we'll give you satisfaction. In The Dish Rag you can tell the whole world about your bad experience at the DMV and get some fudge off your chest, embarrass a local hotshot or maybe even ruin a business!
I'm ready to begin publishing in your city. Think how much fun you'll have screwing the people that screw you every day. Tell on them. Strike Back!!!

Revenge is Yours,
F.U. Booth
Cincinnati OH

MFF/CCC

SJM, up-mo, sharp, super intelligent, divorced father of 2 great kids has come up with kid care money maker of the century--The Magnetic Free Floating Child Care Centers! Busy Mom or Dad drops kidz off at MFF/CCC where padded magnetic belt/ harness is attached to kid by trained attendant who then lifts kid about 2 feet off the ground and attaches it to metal wall where other kidz are already hanging and having a blast. Home model could also be dynamite seller! I'm excited. If you're excited too and would like to get in on this before it's too late contact me today. We could "Hang Out!"

Marc Samson